I have decided that I want my life to be a honest life. That no matter what the consequences, the truth of my journey is out there. I am in love with an undeserving man. All the logic and practicality of it dances there in my brain, just out of reach and when I say it out loud, I am ashamed.
Ashamed because I know I deserve better, but the heart wants what it wants. It doesn’t accept reason. I am constantly at war in my mind. It is probably because my own father was always there, just out of reach, emotionally unattainable, forever present. I have chosen this man to be with my entire life.
I think I felt if I could conquer this man, make him see me, fall in love with me that I would stop chasing. This has never happened.
I watch the people around me falling in love, taking chances and most painful of all, holding hands. It is the simplest, yet most meaningful gesture, I have no hand to hold. I am in love with an undeserving man and he does not love me and that is the hardest part to reconcile.