Chaos is home for now.

So with anger as fuel for my self hatred, my eating disorder bloomed into a rage within myself.

I was waking up in the middle of the night to run laps around our property when no one would know. I would do sit ups in the bathtub while taking a shower, any and every place I could squeeze in extra exercise undetected.

I also started living on black coffee and a cup of white rice and that was only so my eyes would stay open. I slept. Often. I could barely function and perform household chores. One January morning about 3 months after being released from Westbrook, I was asked to bring firewood in from a shed outside on the edge of our property into the house and I knew I would collapse so I refused.

This infuriated my step-mother (who was the biggest bitch you could ever meet, was cheating on my father, milking him for everything he had and later left him for the other man) She began screaming and yelling and telling me I had to leave and could take nothing with me.

It was January, it was snowing, I lived 8 miles from any “town”, this was at a time before cell phones. I know this drill, I’ve been on the streets before.

I put on a few layers of clothes, put my crystal ball in a long sock, figuring it will serve as a weapon if I need it and I leave. I walk in the snow, fueled by anger.

I walk the 8 miles into town and when I reach the first gas station, I collect call my best friend Emily. She picks me up and we go to the mall. I had met a guy there a few weeks before and I call him, explaining what happened. He offers me a place to stay. I am 16 now, he is 19. He lives with his parents near the James River and they wont mind, so I go.

This is when I first discovered what the grown up version of all those lost kids in Westbrook looked like.

The boy’s father is an unstable schizophrenic hoarder. They have a huge 3 story house with full attic and it is full, floor to ceiling with stuff. All kinds of random things and in multiples.

There are 12 of the same red phone because he liked them and bought 12. It’s overwhelming and it stinks, terrible. He has 7 dogs, who do not go outside…it’s everywhere, feces urine, water bowls, food bowls.

It’s CHAOS.

It’s home.

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