He arrives. I let go.

I just dropped my son off at the Air Force Recruitment Office.

He is enlisted as an Airman on delayed entry. He is now 21 years old and he is my first miracle. I am so nervous I could throw up. It is hard to believe that 21 years ago I was standing in that bathroom watching his tiny little hand or elbow or foot move across my belly.

I remember the day I gave birth to him like it was yesterday.

I went into the bathroom in the morning, like every morning and sat down to pee (no other way to say it) and never stopped peeing. My water had broke, it was a trickle that never stopped. I told my mother what was happening and we started preparing for the car ride to the hospital. I remember not being afraid at all. My mother was. We drove to St. Mary’s hospital in West Palm Beach on November 20, 1991.

I checked in, they put me in a wheelchair and upstairs we went. The next memory I have is feeling like my body was breaking in half. I was on Medicaid, you don’t get epidurals on medicaid. I’m convinced it is to remind you not to ever get pregnant again.

I remember them saying they were going to give me something in my IV and ripping my IV out because I wanted an epidural. Then upon ripping my IV out, I looked at the blood running down my arm and began screaming “I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding!!!”  I cussed, ALOT. I screamed, cried and finally 3 hours later, delivered my son Joshua. It sounds so cliche but you truly do not know LOVE until you have given birth to a child.

It supersedes anything you can imagine. It is a greater love than can be described or summed up in words. It is all encompassing and biological.

I am waiting for his call or text to let me know what is happening and what the next step is. It is so hard to let go. He saved my life and he doesn’t even know it. He taught me acceptance and patience. He taught me that there was something bigger than my need to control and punish myself. He taught me that the hardest battles are the ones within your own mind and the only thing separating me from the life and love I wanted and craved was myself.

He taught me to let go 21 years ago and it’s a lesson I am struggling to remind myself of today….The tears flow freely and once again I am left to handle it all alone.

 

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