In real time (2013) I surrender……..

I am finding that I am in a very unique position these days.

I am 38. I am single. I am not willing to settle for just anything. My children are grown and gone from the nest and I have no desire, nor the ability  to procreate again.

The men that are attracted to me are in their 20’s, earlier than later because they aren’t ready to settle down and are tired of school girl games. The men my age are looking for the 20 something’s, still holding onto the illusion of youth and prowess.

I feel 28. I feel young and free and fun. I’m looking for something just shy of marriage and on the other side of fuck buddies and casual sex, although I am not opposed to those things. I’m content living alone. I love it. But I still want that feeling of belonging to someone, loving someone, acceptance. I am 100% positive, it is not in my cards.

I have been holding onto the “idea” of someone.

He promised me the world at a time when I wanted nothing. They say love comes into your life when you aren’t looking, or when you least expect it. I was running from love. I was content having my social needs met by my friends, my emotional needs met by my family, and my physical needs met by a man I call “Shirtless”. In short, I was pretty happy.

But this man came along and promised me the world. He wanted to “date me” to “get to know me”, no sex, to see where it all led. It was the first time anyone had ever said those words. It intrigued me, but I wanted no part of monogamy  or settling down. I said yes against my better judgement. We began dating. I made him wait 6 weeks before I would sleep with him. For me, this is a world record. We spent 4 sometimes 5 nights a week getting to know each other. He pursued me relentlessly. He wanted a commitment from me. He wanted to be my boyfriend. I hadn’t had a boyfriend in years. At this point I had been single for over 2 years, before that married for 10. I resisted relentlessly. I remember the moment I knew I loved him.

We were on the dock outside of his house making love under the stars and I did something I had NEVER done. I cried. I was looking at the stars, making love to a man who wanted to KNOW me, who had waited the 6 weeks, who told me he would never be like all the others, he would fight for me, he would make it work because he truly was in love with ME. I believed those lies.

I thought I finally found someone who would deliver the world to me. I was wrong. I have held onto the idea of that man until today.

He never existed.

It was words.

I was caught up in the moment. I wanted it so badly that I was willing to push all the red flags aside and take it all in.

Today, I am giving up the idea of that man because he never truly existed. He was the one playing dress up. I throw up the white flag….

I surrender the idea of this man and let it go.


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