I am trying to bring about some resolution in my life. I am trying to forgive. I am finding it very difficult. Those who know me, know that I am a breast cancer survivor. I have had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. I had alot of complications with my initial surgery prompting multiple procedures to correct the problems. I was 33 when I was diagnosed. I am 38 now. I have had more surgeries than I can count since then, my last surgery was Feb 6 of this year for uterine/ovarian/cervical tumors. I am tired, tired of being cut into. Hopefully this is the last of it. Anyway, On Christmas Eve morning 2012, I went for an ultrasound to figure out what was going on with me internally, after suffering for months from bleeding & debilitating pain. Before I could even drive home the doctor was calling me. He told me it did not look good in there, I was unhealthy, gave me some options, said a total hysterectomy and removal of my remaining left ovary was the best scenario. I already knew this was coming, but the fact that he called me Christmas Eve, before I even got home worried me significantly. I should preface this by saying I am in the medical field. We don’t make those calls unless there is something significant going on. I had already had blood work and my CA-125 was elevated. (For layman, it’s a cancer marker) So I am on my way to Christmas dinner with my family. We had been through so much in the last few years, between my own surgeries, my grandparents being sick and passing away within a week of each other the year before and the exhaustion of the holidays without our foundation, it just wasn’t the time to tell them what I had just learned. I held it in. I text my boyfriend at the time who was working but going to come over after work to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with me before going to his family’s house. I cleaned my house, showered, lit candles, put the brand new sheets I had gotten on my bed and changed into the new Victoria Secret lingerie I had been given. I had purchased him a very expensive watch for Christmas and because we had gone through some very difficult times, I chose not to have them set his watch so that we could set it together. I wrote this very heart felt card about setting the watch and from that point on only looking forward to our future together. I hid the watch in the tree with the card, excited for him to find it. I did all of this while knowing in the back of my mind that I may have cancer again and was going to have to have major surgery. Maybe it was a form of denial, maybe I was just trying to get through the holiday. I just wanted something normal. I waited for him to arrive. When he finally got there, he was intoxicated, hungry, slurring his words. He didn’t notice the candles or me for that matter. He brought wings to heat up and eat. My house went from smelling like vanilla, to chicken wings. I was frustrated but trying to go with it. He brought the wings into my bedroom, sat on my new sheets and flipped on the TV. I was livid. I asked him if he had any interest in his surroundings, namely me in Victoria Secret lingerie. He said “in a minute, I’m hungry”. He ate. I sat. When he finished, he took the wings into the kitchen and came straight back to bed, slid his clothes off, laid down and looked at me. I asked if he could wash his hands and brush his teeth…I was completely crushed. I wanted to be held, made love to, forget. We attempted to make love, why I don’t know, it was unsuccessful. The next morning I wanted to tell him what happened with the doctor. My voice was shaking and cracking. I hadn’t said it out loud yet, hadn’t processed it. I began to cry. His exact words and I quote were “Your cancer is NOT my problem, I don’t want to talk about that right now, that is what your friends and family is for” I couldn’t believe it. This man was supposed to love me. He was supposed to BE my friend. He said he couldn’t ask me to come with him to his family’s house because he didn’t know how they felt about me. He walked out the door and left. I never got to give him the watch that day. I’m glad. I felt like a fool. I was alone Christmas morning, crying at the thought that I was having yet another surgery and the man that I loved and wanted to start a life with was cruel and undeserving. I was going to have to go through this on my own. I will say that he has since apologized for this incident. We ARE NOT together. But nothing will ever take away the cruelty of that moment and I can not forgive him.
Published by christiepage "pando pandemonium"
Confessions of a mad mind~ Author of A Practical Guide to Forgiveness from an Impractical Survivor, Oh Go Fix Yourself and She was the Stuff of Stars, Christie Page was born in Falmouth, Massachusetts. She lived in the Nobska Point Lighthouse with her mother and father who were stationed there as a result of his service in the Coast Guard. Shortly after the family made their way to West Palm Beach, Florida where she grew up continuing her love affair with the ocean. She has two children Joshua 26 and Laura 24 and currently resides in South Florida. In 2015 Christie left her twenty year medical career to pursue her passion for writing full time and has been featured in the world’s largest mindful living publications including Chicken Soup for the Soul, elephant journal, Sivana East, Thirty on Tap and The Urban Howl. She was also a feature columnist for Controlled Chaos magazine. An active yogi, hoop dancing enthusiast and self-proclaimed whiskey chick, she is a third generation breast cancer survivor, recovering anorexic/bulimic and is on life six or seven of her nine lives. She has been homeless and sheltered, rich and poor, loved and hated and believes her experiences have lead her down a path of spiritual exploration and awakenings. Christie wishes to share her journey with others in an attempt to come to peace. She writes to clear space from the rolodex that is her muddled mind. Christie View all posts by christiepage "pando pandemonium"