Today I am purging.

It’s Monday, as good a day as any to start my purging process. I have allowed too many bad memories to take up storage in my head. I have allowed too many negative people to take a place in my life and I have allowed myself to lose control over some of the most basic principles I used to live by. I was talking to my mother yesterday about everything I have been through in the last few months and how in January of this year it all seemed so big and overwhelming. The thought of yet another surgery, a cancer diagnosis, losing my home because this time around I was on my own with no one to share the burdens both financial and otherwise with. I was in a really bad place. I was suicidal. I allowed a bad relationship to break my spirit. I allowed a thankless job to interfere with a decision to prolong an inevitable surgery and I allowed negative “so called” friends to make me feel bad about myself. I waited 6 long weeks to have a surgery I desperately needed so that I wouldn’t inconvenience my company too greatly. I scheduled a complete hysterectomy and biopsies to be done around HIS vacation schedule so that I would only miss 3 weeks of work when most people take off 6 to 8 weeks for recovery. The looming surgery and diagnosis messed with my mind and greatly disturbed me. I went to my primary doctor who recommended medication for depression. I didn’t really feel depressed, I felt overwhelmed, panicked. I began the medications and within 2 weeks became completely unrecognizable to myself and my family. I cried ALL the time over every little thing. I didn’t want to exist. I felt alone and tormented. I began having wild mood swings, muscle spasms and sweats. I would slur words as if I had been drinking for hours. I would wake in the middle of the night with teeth clenched, legs and arms rigid and sore. I went from uncontrolled anger to despair. I thought it would be better if I died in surgery so my children could get my life insurance. I have never in all my life contemplated suicide, not after years of abuse, being assaulted, homeless, abandoned, divorced, NEVER. I thought about it daily. I prayed for death. It was the darkest time I have ever known and it wasn’t ME. I ended up in the hospital a month before my surgery. My daughter came home to find me in bed, unresponsive, unable to wake me. She called my family who then called 911. I was rushed into the emergency room, baker acted because they thought I HAD attempted suicide. I was put in the ICU until I was stable enough to move to the behavioral ward. After running a million tests, blood work, toxicology etc it was determined that I had Seratonin Syndrome. It happens sometimes when taking a combination of medications (namely the antidepressants I was on). It builds up in your brain and doesn’t release properly into your blood stream causing all of the side effects I was having in the weeks leading up to this incident. It was awful and it was the second time in my life I was in a mental facility against my will. As soon as the 72 hours was up, I was released.The toxicology and blood work came back negative for any prescription pain killers, alcohol or recreational drugs. The doctor gave me information about Seratonin Syndrome and told me to look it over carefully and address any future use of antidepressants with my doctor. I was pissed. How could a drug render you so hopeless? A drug that was supposed to have the complete opposite effect? I haven’t touched a medication stronger than advil since and never will again. Now that my mind is clear, I am ready to put those dark days and people behind me and look to the lighter side of things. I have accepted that I have NO control over the things that happen in life. I only have control over how I face them. Today I am purging to make room for a better me.

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