There are some decisions in life that we make that are so private we are even afraid to admit them to ourselves. I’m sitting here with a cup of strong coffee, Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold” playing, chatting with a friend on Facebook and trying to find the words. I have never regretted any decisions I’ve made in my life because they truly have led me to become the person I am now, so cliche, I know. I even hate typing it. Sometimes I am 100% ok with being me and other days, like today, I am not so sure. I know there is no malice in my heart. I think I am a good person. I have good intentions. But I am human. There are moments where briefly, when I see karma in effect, I am grateful that it exists and in that same instant, I think “shit, the fact that I had a moment of gratitude for seeing what I perceive as a karmic act means that I am putting negative out there in the universe and maybe that is what is happening to me” Do we ever really break the cycle? Is there a way to let it ALL go, devoid of the emotions associated with the memories? Am I wrong when I am momentarily happy to see a person who has wronged me in so many ways, betrayed me, lied to me, stole from me get what they deserve? Does that make me just as bad as they are? These are the days I wonder how Mother Teresa did it. Did she have these thoughts? Did she just ask for forgiveness from God and allow him to wipe the slate clean? Maybe that is why people NEED religion so much. Maybe I’m simply trying to wipe the slate clean within myself, fighting human nature and the basics of psychology. It’s days like today, that I want to believe in something that will wipe MY slate clean. I just can’t. I’ve tried. I hold myself accountable to ME and I am my own worst critic. I have a feeling I will be battling my demons for a lifetime.
Published by christiepage "pando pandemonium"
Confessions of a mad mind~ Author of A Practical Guide to Forgiveness from an Impractical Survivor and She was the Stuff of Stars, Christie Page was born in Falmouth, Massachusetts. She lived in the Nobska Point Lighthouse with her mother and father who were stationed there as a result of his service in the Coast Guard. Shortly after the family made their way to West Palm Beach, Florida where she grew up continuing her love affair with the ocean. She has two children Joshua 26 and Laura 24 and currently resides in South Florida. In 2015 Christie left her twenty year medical career to pursue her passion for writing full time and has been featured in the world’s largest mindful living publications including Chicken Soup for the Soul, elephant journal, Sivana East, Thirty on Tap and The Urban Howl. She was also a feature columnist for Controlled Chaos magazine. An active yogi, hoop dancing enthusiast and self-proclaimed whiskey chick, she is a third generation breast cancer survivor, recovering anorexic/bulimic and is on life six or seven of her nine lives. She has been homeless and sheltered, rich and poor, loved and hated and believes her experiences have lead her down a path of spiritual exploration and awakenings. Christie wishes to share her journey with others in an attempt to come to peace. She writes to clear space from the rolodex that is her muddled mind. Christie View all posts by christiepage "pando pandemonium"