Will you marry me? yes….I mean NO. Full speed ahead

So there we were in the kitchen at his sister’s house. I was seated on a bar stool and he was down on one knee, surrounded by his entire family and my children. He pulled out the box to reveal a beautiful diamond ring and said those words that every girl longs to hear. “Will you marry me?”  Every girl but me. I am pretty sure I sat frozen in shock for only a blink of an eye, but to me it felt like an eternity. The floor shrunk away, everything was silent, all I could see was the ring. All I could hear was my heart pounding. I remember scanning for my children’s faces, Did they know what was going on? Did they know what this meant? I took a breath, looked at his family’s faces and said YES. There was applause, champagne bottles being opened, a hug, then more hugs. I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe. I was overcome with guilt for saying yes but I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of everyone. I was drowning. I never wanted to marry again after my experience. I didn’t know him well but I knew that I was the perfect girl to propose to to get back at his family. This ties into my original post. I am everyone else’s everything. I was that girl. The “fuck you” to the Irish catholic over-achieving prestigious family. One daughter was a teacher, one owned a floral business, the brother was a physician and he was a chef. I was the atheist, divorced mother of 2 who worked in a clinic as a Medical Assistant. I remember the first time telling his parents what I did and them asking why I hadn’t pursued a higher education. I wasn’t good enough for them. She was also a teacher and his father a firefighter. Once we got in the car to go back home, I told him I could not marry him. I told him I could not be that girl. It was too much, too soon. I never wanted to marry again. He asked me for a long engagement. He said he would be patient. I said I would think about it. This all happened on a Sunday. By the time I got to work Monday morning I had 4 bouquets of flowers waiting for me, all from his family congratulating us, welcoming me to the family. I had boarded the train and it was moving full speed ahead. I am drowning.

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