It’s just weird…..

I had decided to take a step back for a little while so I could regroup and focus on my family. We had a major transition take place for my daughter. She moved to Tampa to start her life independent of her family here on the east coast of Florida. She got herself an apartment with roommates, signed up and transferred her college and got a job managing a Starbucks. I am extremely proud of her fierce independence and awed by her competence. My son also got his official acceptance into the United States Air Force. It seems it isn’t as easy to enlist as I remember. They don’t NEED anyone right now and are even more selective of their members. It is a huge step for my son Josh and I am proud of his decision to serve his country and take after my grandfather. So we had a big family BBQ to say our goodbyes and celebrate their accomplishments and enjoyed what is most likely one of the last times we will all be together. It was incredible. It was much needed time off from reflecting on the past and allowed me to live and enjoy the moment.  Now back to writing. I finally got what I wanted. I finally after many many months heard the words I knew he felt and I knew were there but that he was too stubborn and hurt to admit. He said “I still love you, I care strongly for you, my feelings for you run deep and I had never in my life have anyone I cared that much about be sick or diagnosed with anything that could take them from me. I didn’t know how to react and I know I handled it poorly. I was pushing you away myself so that something out of my control wouldn’t be responsible for us being apart. I am sorry. I want to give this one more shot.”  I knew he felt this way, knew that was why he couldn’t handle what I told him on Christmas, knew that was why he shut me out and I have waited months to finally hear it. I thought when I did finally hear those words that there would be some grand romantic feelings that swept over me and we would have our movie moment kiss, yea that didn’t happen. I kinda went blank or numb. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. For once, I couldn’t find the words. It felt so weird. I’m not sure if it’s because I had  imagined him saying those things so many times that when I did hear it, it wasn’t like hearing it for the first time. I’m not sure if it is because I always KNEW that that was how he felt and what had happened that maybe it wasn’t a surprise to hear from him. I don’t know what happened. It was just weird. It’s been 4 days since hearing it. It’s still weird.  I have no other word for it. I have nothing really to say about it. I’m still processing. I know part of me thought to myself…and how will I explain this to my family, and then I think,  I don’t have to explain anything really….I’m grown, 38 years old, these are my choices that I have to live with, but my family is so close that I will have to explain, I will have to say something….It’s just weird….I really am at a loss for words.

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