The gym, a treadmill, Duffy’s and 2 bottles of wine.

The moment I realized I was pregnant was at the gym with one of my best friend’s Courtney. I was running on the treadmill, looked over my shoulder outside into the plaza at the Duffy’s and thought to myself “Damn, I really could go for a quesadilla and a beer right now”  As soon as I thought it, I KNEW it. I almost fell off the treadmill. I hit the emergency stop button and jumped off. Court looked over at me and said “mama, what’s up?”  I’m pregnant. What?? I’m pregnant. I have to go get a test.  “shut the fuck up, no you’re not” Yes, yes I am. We both left right then and there, drove to Walgreen’s, picked up like 4 pregnancy tests, two bottles of red wine and drove straight to my house. I ran inside, didn’t say a word to Gio and went to the bathroom, peed on every stick, poured a huge glass of wine and proceeded to guzzle it like water. I sat outside with Courtney on my back patio until it was time to look. Positive. The quesadilla told me so. I knew it. I cried for hours. I did not ever want to have any more children. Gio didn’t want children. We couldn’t afford to have another child. My mind was made up but I felt like such a freak. I had successfully avoided pregnancy for over 12 years. We used condoms. How could this happen?  How could I be 31 and pregnant? I finished the 2 bottles of wine and in one of my not most proudest moments, I made Courtney take me back to the gym so I could work out for another 2 hours. I was in absolute shock. Gio was in shock. Courtney was the only one that night with a level head. She managed to get me out of the gym, home in bed. She made all the phone calls for me. She called my OB/GYN and then the numbers they referred me to. She made the appointment for me and drove me there the following Saturday. She handled Gio for me and my mother. She was an angel because I was devastated. Making the choice to have an abortion was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It came with alot of guilt, crying, feelings of loss, grief and relief. It is a personal choice that is judged by many. I lost friends over that choice. It is not for the faint of heart. It wasn’t a form of birth control. It was the best choice for me at the time. I don’t regret it but I think about it, often. I know by revealing it there will be negative thoughts and feelings by some I call my friends even now. I was in a bad place that summer. It was my “dark period” as my friends & family named it. I was struggling with my own demons then and would not have been healthy enough to sustain a pregnancy and I knew that. It was the only choice for me at the time. Gio and I made the choice and we were okay for a while.

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