Patterns of behavior and why I am so mad.

I KNOW people are a collective pattern of behavior. I KNOW this. I subscribe to it, believe in it whole hearted. This includes myself. I am trying desperately to break patterns. I am trying to rethink my path and make decisions that are healthier, wiser and rational. I failed last night. I fell into my old pattern. I believed the lies. I wanted to. Desperately, desperately want to be loved and more importantly, understood. I went to see him, after all he professed his love for me, he said he wanted me again. I believed. I wanted to. He didn’t even greet me, treated me like a stranger. I got a nod and a “what can I get you?” from behind an empty bar. I expected an embrace, a kiss. Something to solidify the words that were spoken. I got none of that. I was crushed. My heart splintered into a few more fragile pieces. I should KNOW better. I am doing this to myself. I am opening up the door to this pain and inviting it in over and over again. My pattern of behavior, and so what do I do? I punish myself. In the only way I know how. I pop laxatives and diet pills, I work out. I cramp, I am up all night with an upset stomach, racing mind and broken heart…I am angry at myself for it. I know better. I slipped. I fell but I am up again this morning, starting over. Looking for strength. Looking for forgiveness from myself.

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