I KNOW people are a collective pattern of behavior. I KNOW this. I subscribe to it, believe in it whole hearted. This includes myself. I am trying desperately to break patterns. I am trying to rethink my path and make decisions that are healthier, wiser and rational. I failed last night. I fell into my old pattern. I believed the lies. I wanted to. Desperately, desperately want to be loved and more importantly, understood. I went to see him, after all he professed his love for me, he said he wanted me again. I believed. I wanted to. He didn’t even greet me, treated me like a stranger. I got a nod and a “what can I get you?” from behind an empty bar. I expected an embrace, a kiss. Something to solidify the words that were spoken. I got none of that. I was crushed. My heart splintered into a few more fragile pieces. I should KNOW better. I am doing this to myself. I am opening up the door to this pain and inviting it in over and over again. My pattern of behavior, and so what do I do? I punish myself. In the only way I know how. I pop laxatives and diet pills, I work out. I cramp, I am up all night with an upset stomach, racing mind and broken heart…I am angry at myself for it. I know better. I slipped. I fell but I am up again this morning, starting over. Looking for strength. Looking for forgiveness from myself.
Published by christiepage "pando pandemonium"
Confessions of a mad mind~ Author of A Practical Guide to Forgiveness from an Impractical Survivor and She was the Stuff of Stars, Christie Page was born in Falmouth, Massachusetts. She lived in the Nobska Point Lighthouse with her mother and father who were stationed there as a result of his service in the Coast Guard. Shortly after the family made their way to West Palm Beach, Florida where she grew up continuing her love affair with the ocean. She has two children Joshua 26 and Laura 24 and currently resides in South Florida. In 2015 Christie left her twenty year medical career to pursue her passion for writing full time and has been featured in the world’s largest mindful living publications including Chicken Soup for the Soul, elephant journal, Sivana East, Thirty on Tap and The Urban Howl. She was also a feature columnist for Controlled Chaos magazine. An active yogi, hoop dancing enthusiast and self-proclaimed whiskey chick, she is a third generation breast cancer survivor, recovering anorexic/bulimic and is on life six or seven of her nine lives. She has been homeless and sheltered, rich and poor, loved and hated and believes her experiences have lead her down a path of spiritual exploration and awakenings. Christie wishes to share her journey with others in an attempt to come to peace. She writes to clear space from the rolodex that is her muddled mind. Christie View all posts by christiepage "pando pandemonium"