I’m making better choices. Today over yesterday, yesterday over the day before. I faltered, I fell, you know this, I admitted it last week. I wrote about my experience at Snap!, it helped fuel my desire to be a better me. I didn’t sleep much at all last night, did alot of reflecting about the past weekend, decided not to use Monday as a starting point because that is so cliche and typical. I decided to use my anger from last week as a starting point. I’m making choices one breath at a time because that is all I am willing to commit to at the moment. I am comparing it to alcoholism. Eating disorders consume thoughts, distort reality, rob you of your ability to enjoy the here and now. A common misconception about them is that you have to look like a skeleton to be afflicted with them. I used to. I used to be skin and bones, now I’m more fluff and bones, but whittling that down to be muscle and fuel for life. I am trying to view my body as a vessel for experiencing life, rather than as a tool for punishment and reward. It’s a hard habit to break. It’s easy, accessible and only hurts me. I am in no danger of hurting anyone else directly with my self inflicted punishments or rewards. One grocery shop at a time. Today instead of taking the easy way out and purchasing something quick and easy, eating it, hating myself, abusing either diet pills, water pills, laxatives and the gym, I chose to go to the grocery store and enjoy the shopping experience. I bought peppers, red, yellow and green. I bought tomatoes and cucumbers, lettuce and celery, all organic and decided to take the time to wash, rinse, cut and arrange them in such a way that I would appreciate the effort it took to prepare it. I won’t feel guilt consuming it. There will be no need for disappointment this day. Today I am making good choices….at least so far.