Rage

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to plaster a smile on your face when your world is falling apart around you??? Any idea? It’s pretty fucking hard, but I’ve been doing it since the news of my landlord foreclosing on the house I lived in. I put a smile on my face and said “ok, what the hell, you’ve been through worse” and I tried to cling to that philosophy while strangers were combing through my belongings as I was selling off the things I have spent my life collecting and taking pride in possessing. I held fast to that philosophy as I moved 38 years of my life into a storage unit, only able to salvage a few boxes worth of precious belongings. I desperately tried to keep believing that philosophy as I moved my clothes into my mother’s house, defeated, feeling like a failure. And recently when my car broke down and I begged my ex to look at it for me and replaced the battery, the alternator, the starter, the sensors and it still wouldn’t start, I tried to hold fast to the idea that it will work itself out, it was ok, I had a roof over my head, food in the fridge and kept pushing forward, looking at the brighter side, these parts would probably need to be replaced eventually anyway, now was as good a time as any. But today, when my phone stopped working for absolutely NO reason. I lost my shit. I need a fucking break or I am going to break. I am there. My strong, stoic exterior has cracked. I am in a full rage.

 

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