Month: February 2014

Responsible? wholeheartedly.

I want to take a moment to take responsibility for some things. I have heard statements recently in regards to the situation I am in with E like…”well, are you really surprised?  “just shut the door on this!” “Well…you shoulda saw this coming!”  and quite frankly, it’s probably the most unsupportive, ridiculous, unnecessary things to say. I take FULL, 100% responsibility for giving E too many chances, too many opportunities to hurt me, too many passes on behavior that would normally warrant an immediate disconnect. I am responsible for that. I LOVED him. I didn’t want to give up on him or us without a fight the way I did with my ex-husband. I BELIEVED in the words he spoke to me and texts he sent to me and the emails he composed to me. Wholeheartedly. I BELIEVED that when we were in counseling after the accident that HE was being truthful and honest and working on his demons the way I was working on mine. I NEVER dreamed that I was sitting across from our therapist week after week listening to him lie to her too. It’s almost too bizarre for me to comprehend. I spent my hard earned money to sit in what was supposed to be a safe, neutral place to work out TRUST issues so that he could flat out LIE then entire time. It is a shock. I am dumbfounded. He would say things to me like “you never trust a word that comes out of my mouth” “why can’t you just believe the things I am telling you” etc etc etc……..well this is why….  I still can’t understand a man who would WANT to argue about something that never happened…it is sociopathic. I have reached out to his parents for help but they have pretty much said he is on his own. I can understand that to some degree. He is after all, an adult. However, he almost KILLED me and has assumed NO responsibility for that. He’s admitted to being at fault for the accident, but that is the extent of his involvement. But, he runs a bar, he drives home from that bar every day. He got lucky with me. My idiot self protected him, didn’t file a police report, reported in to my insurance company and was told I needed to go through his, turns out he had no insurance on his vehicle at the time of the accident (probably why he sought the advice of an attorney before trying to help me in any way, I know that now). He got lucky that I didn’t die. I woke up in my bed covered from head to toe in blood. I woke up ALIVE. He got lucky. How long before his luck runs out?? How long before he injures or kills someone? How long before the person he hurts ISN’T blindly in love with him…what then????  So yes…I take responsibility for loving him and wanting him to get help. I take responsibility for reaching out to his parents because if not for my stupid protection of him after the accident, he wouldn’t be serving you beers right now, he would be in a jail cell for leaving the scene of an accident, failure to report an accident, vehicular negligence causing great bodily harm and DUI among other charges. He wouldn’t be allowed near a bar IF he made it out of jail (affecting his livelihood). So before you decide to JUDGE me for hanging around too long, or trying to make something work because I LOVED him, the next time he’s serving you a beer….think twice, and keep your UNHELPFUL comments to yourself. I BELIEVED him because I loved him and wanted to help him…I now know that was all a lie too.

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HEARD

I am not a taker… I would LOVE to be. I would love to take and take and take and live my life the way some people do with little to no regard for the world and people around them. Unfortunately, I can not be that way. I gave myself over to the universe a long time ago. But, I have been baring my soul. I have allowed access to my inner most thoughts and feelings with no apologies, take it or leave it, love me or not, I truly do not care. I recently bared my soul to the counselor that I see with a very dear friend present. I’ve never done that before, I have gone with E after the accident to attempt reconcile how a man that “loves” me could hurt me that way and leave me that way (and by leave, I mean leave my body in a mangled state with no intention of paying for the medical bills he created by hitting me)….I am still working on that. But I let her in on the inner dialogue I have with myself, how I feel guilty for expressing anger or hurt or disappointment. That I usually stop myself before crying because I am too afraid to inconvenience someone with my tears. Like I am soooo sorry that my inner pain and turmoil may cause you a moment of pause. I am so grateful for all that I do have, my family, friends, pets that keep me company, my job, my education, all of it. I am truly grateful for it so when I start feeling down about the things that have happened to me or the way life turns me on my head sometimes I feel guilty. And I’m not even catholic. Right now, I am ANGRY. That anger comes from disappointment. I expect things to be logical, to make sense, to have some order and purpose. As I write this I am battling yet another cluster/migraine headache which serves to remind me of being hit by a truck by a boyfriend who was drinking and not paying attention to the world around him…..I am angry that despite loving him, forgiving him, protecting him he could still put himself first. It hurts. It makes me sad. I know he’s a dick. I know he’s an asshole. I know that if he ever truly had feelings for me he would have made attempts to help me and make things right PRIOR to now. I KNOW all of this. It does not make the HURT and DISAPPOINTMENT any less. He has failed me at every turn and NEVER, not once been there when it truly counted and it HURTS. I was told I kept everything in and all bottled up before and people couldn’t help me or be there for me because they didn’t know….well I am letting you all KNOW. IT HURTS. I’m hurting. I would love for the people who know me, who know this situation, who have witnessed these things to STAND up with their voices and say “You know what…..that’s just FUCKED UP” Because sometimes it isn’t enough to know it, sometimes it’s nice to HEAR someone STAND UP for you. To know that unacceptable behavior does not go unnoticed or unmentioned. I will say this right now….if the things that have happened to me  happened to one of my good friends, you better believe my voice would be heard. Not whispered, not implied. HEARD. and to my long time friends, you KNOW this to be true. Maybe it’s my pack mentality but when someone is just plain wrong, they’re wrong. I’ve been wrong. I’ve made mistakes and don’t think for ONE second that it hasn’t been brought to my attention by “well-meaning” friends,….but I am also BIG ENOUGH, mature enough to admit fault, apologize and make amends. I just want my normal back. I want to feel NORMAL, physically. I want my medical bills taken care of. I don’t think that is too much to ask all things considered. I want the person responsible to be held accountable, period. I don’t think it’s unreasonable and if you disagree….let’s put you in this body, walk in my shoes, look in the mirror everyday and see scars and defects, live with the migraines, dizziness, back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain, hip pain as a constant daily reminder that a man you loved and protected wiped their hands and walked away. Then get back to me. I want to be HEARD. 

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part deux

So after deciding that I didn’t need a second chance and that his in-actions have lead to the downfall of this breakdown with his family I tell him he needs to go…to leave, to not be in my presence for a while. I am disgusted. I am flabbergasted. I can’t even fathom that he just said that. I tell E that all I want from him from this point forward is my medical bills and surgery taken care of. If you don’t remember, it’s from the accident in August of last year, when he hit me with his truck, drug me approximately 10 feet. I fractured my skull, ruptured my left implant, had multiple abrasions and lacerations to the entire left side of my body. He still hadn’t paid a dime or even made arrangements to pay. I say I am done. 100%. I am even willing to never see the dog I love sooo much again if it means getting him out of my life. I had given him a quote to fix the implant. I say this is the most pressing matter, I want this fixed. I want to feel human again, it’s forming a capsule, it’s painful, just give me the money to fix this and I am out of your life. He stalls, he asks me “is that what you want, for me to cut you a check and then we are done?”  I ask if it’s an ultimatum and if it is I’ll take the check. My health is NON-negotiable. And that’s when I WOKE THE FUCK UP. All the denial, all the excuses, all the stalling, all the understanding…..went right out the window. He was holding my health hostage. To say I flipped out would be an under statement. I found my voice. I found my anger, my sense of self preservation. I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him and his family. I called him every name in the book and then some. I made up words. I freaked the fuck out. I could not believe after all I had been through, after all I had sacrificed and put up with, after almost dying, after suffering long term effects from the accident like dizzy spells, headaches, shoulder pain, back pain, not to mention the physical scars…after ALL that..he was attempting to use my hope to return to normal against me. I woke up. He told me he would get my check, told me he would deliver it this past Tuesday and never did. Then he told me to come pick it up after work, to come to his bar to get it, and when I got there, after going inside and letting him know I was out front waiting, he snuck out the back door got in his truck and ran away. The definition of pathetic. I literally had no choice but to laugh about that. I’ve never seen a bigger coward. But it’s ok. I woke up. I’ll have my day in court where this incident should have been from the beginning.  I’m alive. In every sense of the word and I am back.Image

I am alive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up a few days ago. From everything. I woke up after hearing, seeing rather, I saw it, in a text from him to me. An ultimatum if you will, an opportunity he was giving me to chose my health or him. I chose my health. I chose to wake up. It started with his birthday. Last year at this time, I was coming out of my drug induced depression (and by drug, I mean prescription medication prescribed to me by a doctor to combat the sensation of sinking into oblivion) His birthday was a big deal to me then. He spent it with other people, despite my pleas to be together. They were “kind” enough, these people, to send me pictures of their good time with him, rubbing salt in the wound. So this year things were different. We were back in a good phase and had been for a while. I crack up re-reading that statement. For a while meant since Christmas Day, what was that 6 weeks??  lol ok, we had a 6 week run of good…anyway. I purchased Dave Matthews tickets as a surprise. I purchased a 1/2 day at a spa for couples and I bought his dinner at an expensive Italian restaurant.  It was nice. It was a good birthday. Then came his father’s 60th birthday party. I have had a “rocky” relationship with his parents, not because of anything I have done, they don’t even know me, have never taken the time to know me, but because of what I have allowed them to believe of me. All parents are protective of their children, but they didn’t know they details of the things he had done. He is so terrified to look bad in their eyes and take responsibility that he has allowed me to look worse with lies, half truths and assumptions. So we go to the birthday party and I have taken the time to buy his father’s gift and cards from the both of us, on my dime. We enter the party and we are making our way around the room and he is introducing me to one of his aunts. He says “Aunt so & so, this is Christie”  I extend my hand, shake firmly, look her in the eye, say hello nice to meet you and keep pressing forward, we are in a line of sorts. I am in front of him by a few feet when I hear behind me.. “Now who is she to you again? ” and he answers…”Oh that’s just my girlfriend…for now”. I turn to look at him, I mouth the words “REAL FUCKING NICE” and keep walking. I am beyond humiliated and pissed. It wasn’t said with me standing there or to my face but behind my back. He says it was a joke. I say I am not a joke and it was in poor taste. I want to smack him. I want to embarrass him the way I am embarrassed. I press forward. I find myself in a small group having an conversation about valentine’s day. I am putting his remarks behind me, I’ll deal with him later. His mother approaches me, she asks me to come over to where she is. She has never done this and barely acknowledges my existence as it is, but I move in her direction. She asks my mother’s name and makes it clear I am telling her this for the benefit of the person seated next to her. I give it to her. First name, then last. She stares blankly and has not been introduced to me so I have NO idea why she wants my mother’s name. I follow it up with where she works because most people know her from there. She says nope, that’s not it, that’s not her, looks me up and down and says to his mother “do I know her?” nodding to me…..I look back to his mother for an explanation. She obliges. She says laughing “Funny thing, she was at a party recently and met a woman who stated that she was the mother of the daughter dating E…”    Oh. Well I know my mother hasn’t been to any parties recently, so is there another woman out there who has a daughter dating E?  I am left standing there. Instead of smoothing it over or saying anything like well it must be her or ANYTHING else, she leaves me standing there pondering if I really am E’s girlfriend “for now”….and then I think to myself totally, utterly classless. I look back at this other woman, who I STILL have not been introduced to and say “hmmm, well I have no idea” and walk away. I want to scream. I want to cause a scene, but I am better than that. I spend the rest of the party among mutual friends because E is socializing with the family. I decide I will address this all with him in the morning, over coffee, when we all have a clear head. The next morning, I bring it up casually, calmly. This is our spa day. I say “E….some things really bothered me last night” and I tell him specifically what things. He is defensive, Oh I only meant the comment as a joke. I say “we’ve discussed this before, jokes at my expense are not funny to me, it’s disrespectful”  He says about his mother  “oh I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that…”   I say either way, to not smooth it over or say anything was rude. Then I get to the meat of it. I say ‘Your family only treats me that way because YOU have allowed it. You have allowed them to form this biased negative opinion of me, your INACTION has led to their actions, because you can’t be honest with them and I am not going to tolerate this anymore. I would like to sit down with them and clear the air.”    He says he will ask them if I can have a second chance. ME?  a second chance? No. I do not need a second chance. How is it that people who have misjudged me, who have NO idea who I am or what I am about, who have looked down their noses at me because of the lies you have told need to give ME a second chance? No. I’m good. I was going to give them a chance, to get to know me, to clear the air, to be a part of our life. No. I do not need a second chance, I’m still on my first.

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