I am alive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up a few days ago. From everything. I woke up after hearing, seeing rather, I saw it, in a text from him to me. An ultimatum if you will, an opportunity he was giving me to chose my health or him. I chose my health. I chose to wake up. It started with his birthday. Last year at this time, I was coming out of my drug induced depression (and by drug, I mean prescription medication prescribed to me by a doctor to combat the sensation of sinking into oblivion) His birthday was a big deal to me then. He spent it with other people, despite my pleas to be together. They were “kind” enough, these people, to send me pictures of their good time with him, rubbing salt in the wound. So this year things were different. We were back in a good phase and had been for a while. I crack up re-reading that statement. For a while meant since Christmas Day, what was that 6 weeks??  lol ok, we had a 6 week run of good…anyway. I purchased Dave Matthews tickets as a surprise. I purchased a 1/2 day at a spa for couples and I bought his dinner at an expensive Italian restaurant.  It was nice. It was a good birthday. Then came his father’s 60th birthday party. I have had a “rocky” relationship with his parents, not because of anything I have done, they don’t even know me, have never taken the time to know me, but because of what I have allowed them to believe of me. All parents are protective of their children, but they didn’t know they details of the things he had done. He is so terrified to look bad in their eyes and take responsibility that he has allowed me to look worse with lies, half truths and assumptions. So we go to the birthday party and I have taken the time to buy his father’s gift and cards from the both of us, on my dime. We enter the party and we are making our way around the room and he is introducing me to one of his aunts. He says “Aunt so & so, this is Christie”  I extend my hand, shake firmly, look her in the eye, say hello nice to meet you and keep pressing forward, we are in a line of sorts. I am in front of him by a few feet when I hear behind me.. “Now who is she to you again? ” and he answers…”Oh that’s just my girlfriend…for now”. I turn to look at him, I mouth the words “REAL FUCKING NICE” and keep walking. I am beyond humiliated and pissed. It wasn’t said with me standing there or to my face but behind my back. He says it was a joke. I say I am not a joke and it was in poor taste. I want to smack him. I want to embarrass him the way I am embarrassed. I press forward. I find myself in a small group having an conversation about valentine’s day. I am putting his remarks behind me, I’ll deal with him later. His mother approaches me, she asks me to come over to where she is. She has never done this and barely acknowledges my existence as it is, but I move in her direction. She asks my mother’s name and makes it clear I am telling her this for the benefit of the person seated next to her. I give it to her. First name, then last. She stares blankly and has not been introduced to me so I have NO idea why she wants my mother’s name. I follow it up with where she works because most people know her from there. She says nope, that’s not it, that’s not her, looks me up and down and says to his mother “do I know her?” nodding to me…..I look back to his mother for an explanation. She obliges. She says laughing “Funny thing, she was at a party recently and met a woman who stated that she was the mother of the daughter dating E…”    Oh. Well I know my mother hasn’t been to any parties recently, so is there another woman out there who has a daughter dating E?  I am left standing there. Instead of smoothing it over or saying anything like well it must be her or ANYTHING else, she leaves me standing there pondering if I really am E’s girlfriend “for now”….and then I think to myself totally, utterly classless. I look back at this other woman, who I STILL have not been introduced to and say “hmmm, well I have no idea” and walk away. I want to scream. I want to cause a scene, but I am better than that. I spend the rest of the party among mutual friends because E is socializing with the family. I decide I will address this all with him in the morning, over coffee, when we all have a clear head. The next morning, I bring it up casually, calmly. This is our spa day. I say “E….some things really bothered me last night” and I tell him specifically what things. He is defensive, Oh I only meant the comment as a joke. I say “we’ve discussed this before, jokes at my expense are not funny to me, it’s disrespectful”  He says about his mother  “oh I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that…”   I say either way, to not smooth it over or say anything was rude. Then I get to the meat of it. I say ‘Your family only treats me that way because YOU have allowed it. You have allowed them to form this biased negative opinion of me, your INACTION has led to their actions, because you can’t be honest with them and I am not going to tolerate this anymore. I would like to sit down with them and clear the air.”    He says he will ask them if I can have a second chance. ME?  a second chance? No. I do not need a second chance. How is it that people who have misjudged me, who have NO idea who I am or what I am about, who have looked down their noses at me because of the lies you have told need to give ME a second chance? No. I’m good. I was going to give them a chance, to get to know me, to clear the air, to be a part of our life. No. I do not need a second chance, I’m still on my first.

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