HEARD

I am not a taker… I would LOVE to be. I would love to take and take and take and live my life the way some people do with little to no regard for the world and people around them. Unfortunately, I can not be that way. I gave myself over to the universe a long time ago. But, I have been baring my soul. I have allowed access to my inner most thoughts and feelings with no apologies, take it or leave it, love me or not, I truly do not care. I recently bared my soul to the counselor that I see with a very dear friend present. I’ve never done that before, I have gone with E after the accident to attempt reconcile how a man that “loves” me could hurt me that way and leave me that way (and by leave, I mean leave my body in a mangled state with no intention of paying for the medical bills he created by hitting me)….I am still working on that. But I let her in on the inner dialogue I have with myself, how I feel guilty for expressing anger or hurt or disappointment. That I usually stop myself before crying because I am too afraid to inconvenience someone with my tears. Like I am soooo sorry that my inner pain and turmoil may cause you a moment of pause. I am so grateful for all that I do have, my family, friends, pets that keep me company, my job, my education, all of it. I am truly grateful for it so when I start feeling down about the things that have happened to me or the way life turns me on my head sometimes I feel guilty. And I’m not even catholic. Right now, I am ANGRY. That anger comes from disappointment. I expect things to be logical, to make sense, to have some order and purpose. As I write this I am battling yet another cluster/migraine headache which serves to remind me of being hit by a truck by a boyfriend who was drinking and not paying attention to the world around him…..I am angry that despite loving him, forgiving him, protecting him he could still put himself first. It hurts. It makes me sad. I know he’s a dick. I know he’s an asshole. I know that if he ever truly had feelings for me he would have made attempts to help me and make things right PRIOR to now. I KNOW all of this. It does not make the HURT and DISAPPOINTMENT any less. He has failed me at every turn and NEVER, not once been there when it truly counted and it HURTS. I was told I kept everything in and all bottled up before and people couldn’t help me or be there for me because they didn’t know….well I am letting you all KNOW. IT HURTS. I’m hurting. I would love for the people who know me, who know this situation, who have witnessed these things to STAND up with their voices and say “You know what…..that’s just FUCKED UP” Because sometimes it isn’t enough to know it, sometimes it’s nice to HEAR someone STAND UP for you. To know that unacceptable behavior does not go unnoticed or unmentioned. I will say this right now….if the things that have happened to me  happened to one of my good friends, you better believe my voice would be heard. Not whispered, not implied. HEARD. and to my long time friends, you KNOW this to be true. Maybe it’s my pack mentality but when someone is just plain wrong, they’re wrong. I’ve been wrong. I’ve made mistakes and don’t think for ONE second that it hasn’t been brought to my attention by “well-meaning” friends,….but I am also BIG ENOUGH, mature enough to admit fault, apologize and make amends. I just want my normal back. I want to feel NORMAL, physically. I want my medical bills taken care of. I don’t think that is too much to ask all things considered. I want the person responsible to be held accountable, period. I don’t think it’s unreasonable and if you disagree….let’s put you in this body, walk in my shoes, look in the mirror everyday and see scars and defects, live with the migraines, dizziness, back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain, hip pain as a constant daily reminder that a man you loved and protected wiped their hands and walked away. Then get back to me. I want to be HEARD. 

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