Responsible? wholeheartedly.

I want to take a moment to take responsibility for some things. I have heard statements recently in regards to the situation I am in with E like…”well, are you really surprised?  “just shut the door on this!” “Well…you shoulda saw this coming!”  and quite frankly, it’s probably the most unsupportive, ridiculous, unnecessary things to say. I take FULL, 100% responsibility for giving E too many chances, too many opportunities to hurt me, too many passes on behavior that would normally warrant an immediate disconnect. I am responsible for that. I LOVED him. I didn’t want to give up on him or us without a fight the way I did with my ex-husband. I BELIEVED in the words he spoke to me and texts he sent to me and the emails he composed to me. Wholeheartedly. I BELIEVED that when we were in counseling after the accident that HE was being truthful and honest and working on his demons the way I was working on mine. I NEVER dreamed that I was sitting across from our therapist week after week listening to him lie to her too. It’s almost too bizarre for me to comprehend. I spent my hard earned money to sit in what was supposed to be a safe, neutral place to work out TRUST issues so that he could flat out LIE then entire time. It is a shock. I am dumbfounded. He would say things to me like “you never trust a word that comes out of my mouth” “why can’t you just believe the things I am telling you” etc etc etc……..well this is why….  I still can’t understand a man who would WANT to argue about something that never happened…it is sociopathic. I have reached out to his parents for help but they have pretty much said he is on his own. I can understand that to some degree. He is after all, an adult. However, he almost KILLED me and has assumed NO responsibility for that. He’s admitted to being at fault for the accident, but that is the extent of his involvement. But, he runs a bar, he drives home from that bar every day. He got lucky with me. My idiot self protected him, didn’t file a police report, reported in to my insurance company and was told I needed to go through his, turns out he had no insurance on his vehicle at the time of the accident (probably why he sought the advice of an attorney before trying to help me in any way, I know that now). He got lucky that I didn’t die. I woke up in my bed covered from head to toe in blood. I woke up ALIVE. He got lucky. How long before his luck runs out?? How long before he injures or kills someone? How long before the person he hurts ISN’T blindly in love with him…what then????  So yes…I take responsibility for loving him and wanting him to get help. I take responsibility for reaching out to his parents because if not for my stupid protection of him after the accident, he wouldn’t be serving you beers right now, he would be in a jail cell for leaving the scene of an accident, failure to report an accident, vehicular negligence causing great bodily harm and DUI among other charges. He wouldn’t be allowed near a bar IF he made it out of jail (affecting his livelihood). So before you decide to JUDGE me for hanging around too long, or trying to make something work because I LOVED him, the next time he’s serving you a beer….think twice, and keep your UNHELPFUL comments to yourself. I BELIEVED him because I loved him and wanted to help him…I now know that was all a lie too.


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