So as I was reading and re-reading my own life story the 2 things I wanted people to get from my life is this… #1 As I have said before I take 100% responsibility for the choices, actions, reactions etc I have made as an ADULT. I find it empowering to take responsibility. I don’t shun it. I don’t pass it off to other people. It’s mine. I own it. I have felt a lot of pain and heartbreak in my life but it has allowed me to know that I can still FEEL something. I am not numb. I have at times shut off and withdrawn into myself for protection, but I still have the ability to feel EVERYTHING… and #2 I don’t want my life to be perceived as tragic. This isn’t a poor me story. It’s just simply, my story. I don’t want sympathy. I want understanding. I want a connection, if not to a single individual, then a group. I want people to look at me, at my life and think if that fucked up, anorexic, bulimic, obsessive-compulsive, abused, broken, damaged woman can get up every morning with a smile on her face and still see the good in the world, than so can I. I feel so fortunate to have survived my life so far. I almost feel invincible. Lately, I feel beautiful. Inside & out, despite my scars…maybe because of my scars. They have taken on a life of their own, much in the way a tattoo can feel like armor, my scars have morphed. I was going to go through a painful laser process to try to eliminate the scar on my face but it’s growing on me. I look in the mirror and think to myself, just one more notch on my belt. I am not done in this life yet. I am just starting. I answer questions about this scar on my face daily. At first, I recoiled, winced, felt the pain of the incident over and over again each time. Now I feel the resiliency in my soul. There is nothing I fear anymore and no one I fear anymore and that is a very powerful place to be. I am not a tragedy. I am inspiration…if only to myself.
Published by christiepage "pando pandemonium"
Confessions of a mad mind~ I am an underachieving superhero, active yogi, flow artist, poet and disciple of life. Single mother of 2 amazing adult children, breast cancer survivor and recovering anorexic/bulimic. I have been homeless and sheltered, loved and hated, rich and poor and I am doing my best to navigate this journey leaving behind as few causalities as possible...metaphorically speaking of course. View all posts by christiepage "pando pandemonium"