when is it time?

I’ll tell you, I gave this a lot of thought. When is it time to move on? move forward? to re-invent? What is the protocol for surviving a horrific relationship and moving towards a better one? How long am I supposed to grieve? to be alone? to sulk? to rediscover myself? Who determines the “appropriate” amount of time to just BE whatever it is I am? What I have discovered very recently, is that I was never in a relationship. Oh… on the outside and for all intents and purposes that’s what it looked like, but I had NO relationship. Whatever it appeared I had was just that…an appearance. I was alone for every major milestone and event in my life. He was never supportive or empathetic or helpful or consoling. So I found that it was a lot easier to move on than I thought and that my fear of the unknown turned to excitement and opportunity. I found that interacting with people I had previously shut out, turned out to be very rewarding and that most people I knew couldn’t stand to be around him, so they stopped being around me. I rediscovered my love of dance and art and music. I began dancing again just for the sheer joy of it. It’s different now, I am limited in my movement and flexibility due to the issues with my back but I still love it, I dance with and through the pain. I’m hooping again, almost daily, because it is a hobby I love and I find beautiful and an extension of me. I am playing poker in a league where I meet different people every week. I am no longer paying his way, I find I have a lot more money these days…..I’m no longer footing his bill. It’s quite pleasant. So when do you allow yourself to accept being happy? I say the time is NOW. I have been incredibly, almost mind blowing happy and I never thought that it would be in the cards for me. It is not due to another person, but a collection of people who have loved me enough to be strong for me, to wait for me to find my way , when I could not love myself. It’s due to the reflection of myself through someone else’s eyes, that I am finally willing to see. The time is now. I am happy and I deserve to be.


4 thoughts on “when is it time?

  1. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 14 years. On one of my birthdays, he bought me a bike. I get on the bike and take a ride. I notice someone in a truck alongside me, it’s him. I say “Hi. where are you going?” Him, “To the store.” Me: “What are you buying?” Him: TO GET YOU A F’ING BIRTHDAY CAKE!” Yep, that’s been my life for 14 years now.

    For 13 years, I carried my “weight” around the apartment. I paid half rent (even though he makes a LOT more than me) I clean, do laundry, file, cook, etc. etc…. I’ve been out of work, so he’s helped me pay some bills, and he’s acting like he’s been taking care of me for the entire 14 years! He says I’m using him. Says any other woman “would have a job”. I don’t ask him to take me anywhere; it doesn’t do any good anyway. Any time I ask him about our future, he goes into a rage. We haven’t gone on one vacation, but he makes good money. I need to leave, and have been going crazy looking for work, but I’m not getting any calls. I used to make good money, now, I’ll be lucky to make $12.00 an hour. I have left 5 times, but I always come back. The next time I leave, I WON’T be back.

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