I’ve been asked over and over again how I could remain in a relationship with someone who was so abusive for as long as I did. The only explanation I can come up with is penance. Maybe, subconsciously, I didn’t believe that I deserved better. It’s hard to escape the demons from your past. Sometimes issues you didn’t even know you had bleed into the very fabric of who you are. I had a lot of regret not fighting for my marriage to Giovanni when I should have. He was a good man, a good husband and father. I should have fought harder for him. He had elevated my self esteem and worth up so high that when he came to me with a problem, with his feelings of not wanting to be in our marriage any more, I let him go…just like that. Hell, I even threw a party the week he moved out, to prove how OK I was with the rejection. I should have fought and I didn’t. So maybe my relationship with E was my way of punishing myself for not being the wife I should have been. Maybe subconsciously I went back to being that little girl, content in her own little world, until the swift hands of “discipline” would come crashing down and rip into my self worth, shredding and splintering it until there was nothing left but a shell. I felt like a shell with E. A shell of my former happy self. When I was abused as a little girl, I remember feeling unworthy of love, comfort or protection. Maybe that little girl was bleeding through me again. After all, we are one and the same. It’s the only explanation I can come up with. Those who know me can’t believe I put up with and endured the things I did at E’s hands and words….my friends and family were angry with me for not being “myself”, not being strong, not being ardent….but I paid my penance, I am back to being me. I am stronger and happier than I have ever been. The truth about hell is…. it’s real….I’ve lived it, I’ve created it at times. There is a great quote that simply says “still I rise” ….and I do.
Published by christiepage "pando pandemonium"
Confessions of a mad mind~ Author of A Practical Guide to Forgiveness from an Impractical Survivor and She was the Stuff of Stars, Christie Page was born in Falmouth, Massachusetts. She lived in the Nobska Point Lighthouse with her mother and father who were stationed there as a result of his service in the Coast Guard. Shortly after the family made their way to West Palm Beach, Florida where she grew up continuing her love affair with the ocean. She has two children Joshua 26 and Laura 24 and currently resides in South Florida. In 2015 Christie left her twenty year medical career to pursue her passion for writing full time and has been featured in the world’s largest mindful living publications including Chicken Soup for the Soul, elephant journal, Sivana East, Thirty on Tap and The Urban Howl. She was also a feature columnist for Controlled Chaos magazine. An active yogi, hoop dancing enthusiast and self-proclaimed whiskey chick, she is a third generation breast cancer survivor, recovering anorexic/bulimic and is on life six or seven of her nine lives. She has been homeless and sheltered, rich and poor, loved and hated and believes her experiences have lead her down a path of spiritual exploration and awakenings. Christie wishes to share her journey with others in an attempt to come to peace. She writes to clear space from the rolodex that is her muddled mind. Christie View all posts by christiepage "pando pandemonium"