global warming….and here is where it gets real honest….beyond this moment

So I picked a fight about of all things, global warming. That wounded little girl that feels she doesn’t deserve love reared her troubled little head and couldn’t accept that things could be going as well as they are. So she stomped her feet and used her voice and started a fight. About global warming!!???  Even I am shaking my head at that one…So what was the purpose of that fight? To push him away? To keep him from getting to close? for what? He is M. He is sweet and generous and he cares for me. He respects me. He is an equal and part of me just cant accept it. Don’t get me wrong, the stubborn, confident me is beaming that I have found someone who appears to love me….but that other side, that broken, fragile side of me is looking for ways to push him away. His actions match his words. His gestures match his intent. There is no guess work, no drama, it is refreshing and welcome…but hard to accept.  I am trying to push beyond this moment and see the bigger picture and allow myself to be treated exactly the way I have always imagined. There is so much resistance subconsciously. That little girl bleeds into the very fabric of who I am more times than I would like to admit. There is a certain level of comfort in chaos. It’s familiar and I can navigate my way around better. I know how to shut down and compartmentalize. I know how to survive. Now I just feel vulnerable and uncertain. I’m doing my best to push beyond this moment and leave the arguments of global warming to the professionals. It’s also a miracle that in the mist of me starting a fight over absolute nonsense that he sat patiently, talking to me, inches away, hand in mine. No raised voices, no name calling, no over the top, def-con-five anger outburst. Just M and I, talking it out, laughing later. Didn’t know it was possible….After the last 2 1/2 very violent years of my life, I had given up on such things. To deal with another individual as an adult had become foreign to me. So I am going to allow that little girl part of me to be nurtured until she no longer feels the need to make an appearance. And that is as honest as I can be.

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