So I picked a fight about of all things, global warming. That wounded little girl that feels she doesn’t deserve love reared her troubled little head and couldn’t accept that things could be going as well as they are. So she stomped her feet and used her voice and started a fight. About global warming!!??? Even I am shaking my head at that one…So what was the purpose of that fight? To push him away? To keep him from getting to close? for what? He is M. He is sweet and generous and he cares for me. He respects me. He is an equal and part of me just cant accept it. Don’t get me wrong, the stubborn, confident me is beaming that I have found someone who appears to love me….but that other side, that broken, fragile side of me is looking for ways to push him away. His actions match his words. His gestures match his intent. There is no guess work, no drama, it is refreshing and welcome…but hard to accept. I am trying to push beyond this moment and see the bigger picture and allow myself to be treated exactly the way I have always imagined. There is so much resistance subconsciously. That little girl bleeds into the very fabric of who I am more times than I would like to admit. There is a certain level of comfort in chaos. It’s familiar and I can navigate my way around better. I know how to shut down and compartmentalize. I know how to survive. Now I just feel vulnerable and uncertain. I’m doing my best to push beyond this moment and leave the arguments of global warming to the professionals. It’s also a miracle that in the mist of me starting a fight over absolute nonsense that he sat patiently, talking to me, inches away, hand in mine. No raised voices, no name calling, no over the top, def-con-five anger outburst. Just M and I, talking it out, laughing later. Didn’t know it was possible….After the last 2 1/2 very violent years of my life, I had given up on such things. To deal with another individual as an adult had become foreign to me. So I am going to allow that little girl part of me to be nurtured until she no longer feels the need to make an appearance. And that is as honest as I can be.
Published by christiepage "pando pandemonium"
Confessions of a mad mind~ Author of A Practical Guide to Forgiveness from an Impractical Survivor and She was the Stuff of Stars, Christie Page was born in Falmouth, Massachusetts. She lived in the Nobska Point Lighthouse with her mother and father who were stationed there as a result of his service in the Coast Guard. Shortly after the family made their way to West Palm Beach, Florida where she grew up continuing her love affair with the ocean. She has two children Joshua 26 and Laura 24 and currently resides in South Florida. In 2015 Christie left her twenty year medical career to pursue her passion for writing full time and has been featured in the world’s largest mindful living publications including Chicken Soup for the Soul, elephant journal, Sivana East, Thirty on Tap and The Urban Howl. She was also a feature columnist for Controlled Chaos magazine. An active yogi, hoop dancing enthusiast and self-proclaimed whiskey chick, she is a third generation breast cancer survivor, recovering anorexic/bulimic and is on life six or seven of her nine lives. She has been homeless and sheltered, rich and poor, loved and hated and believes her experiences have lead her down a path of spiritual exploration and awakenings. Christie wishes to share her journey with others in an attempt to come to peace. She writes to clear space from the rolodex that is her muddled mind. Christie View all posts by christiepage "pando pandemonium"