It rose up like bile this morning. The anger. The rage. That place where injustice meets desistance. I am angry, that HE gets to go on about his miserable, pathetic life as if I were some insignificant thing that he could cast aside. It’s so much more than the passing of a relationship or the ending of a book. It’s an unfinished chapter in my life, it’s a run on sentence, a cliff hanger without resolve. I invested so much time and energy into this empty void that kept filling with more and more negative space, engulfing all things…all things…..all things ME. I suppose it’s because it’s getting closer to the surgery to help repair what he did to me on the outside. It doesn’t begin to grasp what he left on the inside. I didn’t want to have surgery again, didn’t want to be carved into, splayed apart. Surgery comes with risks, risks I didn’t ever want to face again, unless I absolutely had too. So I’m angry. I feel the violation over and over again. He faces no consequences, no repercussions. He faces nothing because he is a coward. Inhuman. I would will him to feel each needle pressing into my skin. I would will him to feel each slice of the scalpel, each dissection of the blade, each tug and pull of my tissues as entry is made to remove what he left behind. I would will him to feel each wrench of the surgical steel being wedged into my body to pull free the damage he has done. I would will him to feel it all…as he has willed me to feel it all. The anger rises up and I swallow it down as I always have.
Published by christiepage "pando pandemonium"
Confessions of a mad mind~ Author of A Practical Guide to Forgiveness from an Impractical Survivor and She was the Stuff of Stars, Christie Page was born in Falmouth, Massachusetts. She lived in the Nobska Point Lighthouse with her mother and father who were stationed there as a result of his service in the Coast Guard. Shortly after the family made their way to West Palm Beach, Florida where she grew up continuing her love affair with the ocean. She has two children Joshua 26 and Laura 24 and currently resides in South Florida. In 2015 Christie left her twenty year medical career to pursue her passion for writing full time and has been featured in the world’s largest mindful living publications including Chicken Soup for the Soul, elephant journal, Sivana East, Thirty on Tap and The Urban Howl. She was also a feature columnist for Controlled Chaos magazine. An active yogi, hoop dancing enthusiast and self-proclaimed whiskey chick, she is a third generation breast cancer survivor, recovering anorexic/bulimic and is on life six or seven of her nine lives. She has been homeless and sheltered, rich and poor, loved and hated and believes her experiences have lead her down a path of spiritual exploration and awakenings. Christie wishes to share her journey with others in an attempt to come to peace. She writes to clear space from the rolodex that is her muddled mind. Christie View all posts by christiepage "pando pandemonium"