Pendulum…..

I think I am an emotional pendulum. It is so hard for me just to let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling. I am constantly talking myself out of my own emotions. I can’t even find the words…For example, I am so relieved that my surgery is over, that I am healing physically, that I no longer have the weight on the unknown on my shoulders and I know I should feel happy about that, but I am so unresolved. I am trying to just let it go. I’ve said to myself that justice will come another way, that being free from the negativity is enough for me. It’s a lie. I think the hardest part is that I am lying to myself. I grew up believing in right and wrong. I grew up with a conscience. I grew up being taught values. All the movies and television shows I’ve ever watched wrap everything up in a nice little ball where the bad guy is taken care of in one form or another. Well….that’s never happened in my life, perhaps why I am pressing so hard now for justice. Demanding it. I’m not able to let go. I was absolutely devastated after the accident. Fractured. The physical was nothing compared to the emotional. It would have been easier if it were an unfamiliar, some random act from a nameless stranger. Instead it was someone I protected, despite what he did to me. It was someone I loved. Someone I trusted. It was someone who sat and watched me cry and bleed. He watched me cry and bleed. He watched me cry and bleed all over him. My literal blood on his literal hands. He watched me cry and bleed at his hands and left me to pick up all the pieces. And then he ran…no he hid. He hid behind his father and his friend, the attorney who advised him not to speak to me. He hid from the damage he caused. He hid from all responsibility. He hides still. All this hiding and all I ever asked him to do was take responsibility for his actions. I was never looking to make money off of this tragedy. I wanted him to get help. I wanted him to understand. I wanted him to do the right thing… and now I want justice. I want justice for myself because I deserve it. I can’t let it go. This need. My blood was on his hands and he simply walked away and that is not good enough for me.

blood_hands

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