There has never been a time until now that I wasn’t able to face myself in the mirror. I have always been able to look at my body, no matter what state it was in and accept that it was a process, unfinished, working towards something. I was able to make eye contact with myself, it wasn’t always easy, it wasn’t always without pain or discomfort but I could do it. I have lost that ability. I have lost eye contact. The pain cuts so deep that seeing it will destroy what little is left of me. I am disconnected from my entire being. If I linger to long on any one thought it will consume me, it will extinguish me. There is no flame, no ember, no smoke, nothing but an empty hollow shell. I have fallen down the rabbit’s hole. It’s just black and bleak and empty. I can no longer look with optimism at this prison I occupy. That mirror that i made peace with is gone. I am filled with rage and scarier still is that I am becoming numb. I am becoming numb to the reflection in the mirror.