I’m reflecting on the past year and I can’t find the words. I have probably written about 20 versions of this letter and erased each one, unsatisfied that it does not convey the appreciation and gratitude that I feel in my heart. This past year … Continue reading The three musketeers~
I have never been more convinced or reminded that I belong to no one. I navigate my days and nights like a nomad, traveling between experience and memories. The only constant is the ever present ache of being alone. I fill whatever role is needed of me and gather my heart and move on. I’ve been the quintessential party girl for my “single” friends both male and female when they have needed a wing man. I’ve been the girl that whenever whatever relationship you are currently in has dissolved and you need a shoulder to cry on, a drinking partner or both. I’ve been the “fun-adventurous” friend that you call to take a road trip, or try sky diving, or alligator wrestling. I’ve been next to your side for your milestones, your birthdays, graduations, first attempt at hosting a party, the birth of your child, the loss of your child. I’ve been the 3am phone call and the 3pm phone call. I’ve been the girl helping you pick up the pieces of a broken heart and a broken home. I’ve been your partner in crime. I’ve been the butt of self-deprecating humor all for a good laugh, of course. And I’ve been there still when you go back to your life, to your home, to your family, loved one, friend, lover, husband, wife… waiting for the opportunity to come again when you call. And I go alone. Always alone. I gave myself over to universe long ago, but sometimes….sometimes ….well, you know
Twisted and bound in knots, a slight nausea settling in, a goodbye that was too sudden to quite comprehend. I play with my fingertips, rolling them under my nails, nervous energy wasted again. Trying to decide if what I thought I had or felt was actually what I had or felt or if it was some warped manifestation of what I just simply wanted. Replaying the conversations, late night phone calls that rolled into early morning, re-reading those damn texts. How I hate texting, so impersonal, the ability to misconstrue even the simplest word. K. Why do I feel as though I have lost when in fact, I never had. So elusive, always on the cusp, wavering just out of reach, a shadow I keep struggling to catch up to, a name I keep willing my mind to remember. The word always on the tip of my tongue, but never around long enough to savor. Love.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It was the moment I felt the true VALUE of my life and the people in it that I began to fight for it. Before that moment I simply existed. I took whatever life threw at me and kept plugging along trying to make the … Continue reading Value