Originally when I started writing it was to clear space in my mind and put a certain order to things. My life was filled with things that I couldn’t believe had happened to me. I wrote to make sense of things. I wrote in hopes that by being brutally honest and taking responsibility for my life I would somehow open myself up to better experiences and that the pain of the past would be replaced by hope for the future. And that is exactly what has happened.
The last few years of writing started off as a painful, intimate journey into the darkest parts of my mind. It has since evolved. I have found my voice. My wish is that the true nature of my hopeful being has been present all along. That even through my most difficult times the common theme has been to keep pressing forward. With the exception of a brief period in time, I have always looked forward to each new day and those who know me intimately will tell you that they never had any idea what was going on beneath the surface. I never wanted to burden anyone with my broken mind. I saved that for here, for this haven, this place I have come for the last few years to unload all my garbage. It hasn’t been easy. I expressed some very unpopular views, some very personal details and some politically incorrect thoughts.
I have lost friends over this blog. I have lost lovers. But truth be told, I haven’t lost anyone who wasn’t supposed to remain in my life. My mind is a lot quieter these days. My breath slow and relaxed. I have my moments, trust me. I am a RECOVERING anorexic/bulimic who also suffers from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Those thoughts and some behaviors never disappear. They are always there under the surface just waiting to rear their head and be welcome back into my life. I make choices every single day to keep pressing forward, to overcome my greatest obstacle, that is me.
I wrote on my first ever post…
” I have gone through the motions of life because that is what we are supposed to do. I belong to the universe and I intend to tell you how I know that to be my painful truth. I am everyone else’s…everything. It is a lonely, painful journey and I am hoping through this, this truth, that if I alone as a human being, can’t find someone to belong to, that my story will have a home in your heart and that I can find peace with my journey.”
I am no longer going through the motions of life. I am living.
I DO belong to the universe and I have accepted my place there, but I am no longer lonely and it is no longer painful.
I have learned that the only person I NEED to belong to is myself and that is enough. I am enough.
And I have found peace with my journey.