Surrender

I watched your hands and I found myself studying your long, elegant fingers. I was so entranced with the ease that your hands formed the knots for my wrists that I didn’t notice you studying me.

You asked me to wait patiently in the living room, while you made “modifications” to my bedroom. You didn’t ask if this was alright with me because you already knew that it was.

I sat patiently impatient. I was certain you could hear my heart beat from the other room. Never have I anticipated anything more than being on the other side of that door.

and finally…you tell me to come and my heart skips a beat. My hands become clammy. My thighs press together right before I stand up to obey. I am wearing your favorite outfit. The one I know drives your hands on my flesh. I know this night I will test YOUR limits with me and I will not utter my safety word. I will not use the gesture that halts your will. I want to surrender. The moment I cross through the door and look up to see eyelets in the ceiling and blue rope twisting from the circles in the metal I am already yours. You smile. You are pleased with my reaction and you ask for my wrists. You demonstrate how I am to hold them and I oblige. You pull my hands above my head and lower the two ropes to meet them, slipping my hands in the skillful knots you’ve made. You tighten the rope until there is no give, but allow my fingers to make our gesture, in case words are unable to form from my lips. I think briefly how lucky I am to have a man so in tune with my body that if words are unavailable, you will notice the slightest motion in my fingertips. You are the first and only lover to notice my fingertips, my breathing, my breath, the tension in my jaw or my legs. I feel exquisite. I feel like art on private display for you, with my hands bound above my head, my feet on tip toe.

There is no where to go and I would have it no other way. There is nowhere else I want to be in this moment except possessed by you. I would wait here all night in anticipation and you know this, which pleases us both. You smile, wicked. Your eyes are consumption. You pull the same blue ropes from beneath the bed. I did not notice these, your intent exactly. You watch for my response and I give nothing away. You tell me to step wide, legs apart and slip my feet into each of the loops resting on the floor. I do. I hold your gaze. Our eyes never break contact and the air is electric. I step first right, then left and you secure both legs to opposite ends of the bed frame. You spend some time caressing my feet and my legs and I know that to move… this touch…this luxury will cease.So I remain still. My insides are screaming for you and my body responds in such a visceral way that it cannot be hidden. Your fingers tease me there, grazing.

You stand and smile that wicked grin again and I think about biting your lips but I know this is forbidden. It makes me crave them even more. You set about your display, which involves you pulling out our toys and making careful selections for your pleasure. I am careful not to react because I am hoping you will settle on our favorite purchase…we’ve nicknamed it “Fido”. It carries a very special meaning for us. My body twitches and pulses as your hands glide past it. You decide to blindfold and gag me first so I can not see what you decide on. Until you, the idea of a ball gag was repulsive. I didn’t understand it. Now, I open my mouth wide willing to surrender my speech to you. Willing to surrender my ability to express with my lips. I will not taste your kiss today. Perhaps another day…that will be my reward.

I can no longer see. I can no longer speak. I can no longer move my wrists or my legs. I am fully exposed, vulnerable and finally…finally I am free.

We have music. We have candles. We have balance. We have peace. We have perfect obedience and perfect mastery.

I feel a hundred leather feathers on my skin, this is not Fido, but close.  I smell the leather mixed with cologne and my excitement. I am intoxicated. The first blow is a tease, a test of my patience. I know better ones will follow. I turn my body into them. This is release. This is perfection. This is my truest kink. A true submissive, my heart feels fulfilled, my body feels electric, my spirit feels feral although I am bound, gagged and complacent.

You move around me with an expertise that I know means you’ve mastered your craft. I am grateful for the ones before me. I am getting the best of you now. This is what I crave, what I cherish. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to make any decisions. I don’t have to oversee anything or anyone. I don’t even have to worry about my own pleasure because you are taking care of all of that for me. I am simply here to exist in this moment for you and for me.

I willingly take each blow as a release, each time the leather connects with my flesh another layer of my soul is revealed. You are waiting for me to signal that I’ve had enough but I decided before I crossed the threshold that I would not. The song Mad World is playing in the background and for a singular second we both are aware of it and smile at one another. It is a mad world and somehow we found each other. He kisses my gagged mouth and tears spring to my eyes, happy tears. My reward…his perfect lips.

This lover knows me like no other before and no other since. He holds my secrets, my fears, my desires, my truth. He is free of judgment and questions. He is also content to surrender his demons to me.

He finally releases my wrists and feet and instructs me to lie on my back on the bed where he proceeds to rub the areas where the ropes were. He kisses my palms, each finger, my wrists, the insides of my ankles, my calves, my knees. I don’t dare move and risk losing this attention.

He tends to me with care and love. I surrendered myself willingly to him and now he is surrendering himself to me, nurturing me in a way that makes me feel safe and desired.

My dominant. My surrender.

3 thoughts on “Surrender

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