~wander~

To the man who made my mind wander,

I find my mind wandering a lot lately, back to our time. That time when we suspended words…because they were not necessary. That time over campfires and moonshine and chess. That time when you watched as I captured fireflies briefly on the tips of my fingers before setting them free. That time I stood before you in the woods, behind the fire, brazen in my desire for you.

If ever there was a way to keep the way you looked at me, up from your thick lashes, through the smoke and haze with something more primal than the fire at our feet; I would will all after you to see me that way… in that moment.

When I catch myself, my thoughts are almost always settled on you. I made so many mistakes. I made the mistake of not taking the time to heal me before involving myself with you. I was unable to see myself they way YOU saw me.  All you wanted was my time and I all wanted was my space.

I wasn’t ready for you then. I was full of grief and anger which left no room for the love that you were pouring into me. When you insisted on getting to know me, I insisted on pushing you away. I was so convinced that what I was feeling was too good for me that I shoved you in the opposite direction.

Briefly you tried to reason with my troubled mind. Briefly you tried to assure me that what we could have was real. But you tired and I don’t blame you. How difficult it must have been to see beyond the pain and recognize that I was more than my rage. How frustrated you must have been getting flashes of the softness that I was capable of but never willing to share with you. How fearful you must have been to think someone else would get the best of me after the work you put in.

I simply wasn’t ready for you then. My brain was a maze of open doors and heartache. I let outside influences jade and silence my inner voice. I was so afraid to go back to anything I had faced before I didn’t see the vast differences in the man I was dealing with. I held fast to the baggage of my past and brought it all with me to your door.

I just wasn’t ready for you then and I am sorry.

2 thoughts on “~wander~

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