Oh how I didn’t want to be that girl.
I didn’t want to be her with everything I had and so I tried. I forged. I struggled. I cried. I laughed at the absurdity. I didn’t want to be her. But I am her.
I didn’t want to be the girl that loved too much, that gave away all the bits of her heart, that tucked all her world into the palms of his hands, dreams twisted within his cold fingertips.
I believed, with every cell that I was meant for him and he for me. So much so, I was convinced to turn away from this gift from the Universe, would be a slap in the face to all that I had asked for.
So here I am writing my follow up to He Cheated and I chose to Stay, to tell you that I did stay and I gave it 150%. And I had many great times with him and many, many not so good times with him.
But in the end, in my story… the leopard did not change his spots. I can say with 100% honesty that I have never been prouder of myself and my evolution and I will be forever grateful for the encounter I had. Because of his time in my life I was able to forgive all that came before him and love with a philosophy that I adopted after reading another elephant piece, It was a quote that read
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
~Thích Nhất Hạnh
So I decided to do just that and free my mind of negativity. I did not check his cell phone. I did not hack into his accounts. I did not stalk his Facebook or social media accounts. I just loved him. I approached every day with a new commitment and a new intention and in my practices of yoga and mediation I would send out unconditional love and ask to receive patience and understanding.
I loved him completely and believed that with my strength and his seeming dedication to us and our future together that were building a stronger foundation in which to support our dreams. And as much as it pains me to admit to the naysayers out there, my story ended as many predicted, with more dishonesty.
But to also be clear, the lesson was never about him. It was about me. It was about freeing my mind and letting go of my past and being vulnerable again. I don’t regret any of that. I would do the entire experience over again.
So I wrote this as a goodbye..
I let go with love in my heart and forgiveness in my soul.
I let go because holding on became too much of an act.
I let go because the way I needed to be loved was a direct conflict to his existence.
I let go because I could not will him to see me.
I let go and asked for no response, no closure and no explanation because I did not want to read words or hear thoughts that contradicted his actions.
I let go because I could see myself clawing at the sides of the cliff and no hand outstretched to grasp me.
I let go because all of the things that attracted me were a distant memory and fading like the light from shore viewed on a fragile vessel sent into a raging sea.
I let go because although my heart was freely in it, his heart was caged beneath the man he never seemed to be able to reconcile to be.
I let go because as sure as I was of the life that could be, his excuses were an ever present obstacle, a Goliath mountain with an unobtainable peak.
I let go.
I let go.
I let go.
I let go.
I still have love for this man and although my lessons painful I do not regret my decisions to forgive him. His actions dictated the role he played in my life and that scene is over.