And so it begins…

So after realizing that I could not give up part of my sexuality I decided to address my current situation with the partner in my life at the time. I approached gingerly at first, not knowing where he stood on the subject. It’s hard when your sexual preferences aren’t considered mainstream, harder still to stifle your desires and think that you could be satisfied in a relationship that doesn’t feed your soul.

I asked a simple question first, opening up the discussion in the most generic way with a typical “what do you like in bed?”

He answered just as generic “anything”.

I asked him to elaborate, was there something he preferred? Any fantasy he wanted to live out?

He answered “not really”.

I asked if he watched porn and he nodded affirmative. I asked what he searched in the search box. He stated nothing, he watched whatever. I jokingly called him a liar and said “you do not just watch whatever pops up, everyone who watches porn searches for something, or has categories they are more interested in than others”

He stayed firm and said he did not. And I knew in that moment that although it would be easy for me to tell him exactly what I was missing from our current sex life that he would have an almost impossible time delivering. You see, I am by nature a submissive and in order for me to feel totally fulfilled in my everyday life as well as my sex life, I need someone who understands not only what that is but the psychology behind it.

Because of his reluctance to discuss even the most mundane I knew that I was headed for disappointment. I tested the waters by keeping my request simple and stated that I needed him to take a little more control, to be a little more assertive. He seemed okay with that initial request so I decided to see how things would play out. The next time we were intimate he did seem to take a more aggressive role and that placated me for a while.

I decided it might be easier to show him what I wanted by way of a movie, one that I felt had the most accurate depiction of the intimacy I was seeking. When he finally agreed to watch it I watched him intently gauging his reaction to what he was seeing played out on screen and it completely missed the mark. He was so focused on the acts he didn’t understand the intimacy. I knew if I chose to stay with this man I would be suppressing a part of myself that fed me. I wasn’t sure if I loved him enough to do that. The more I thought about it the more I realized I would never have that all encompassing love that I so desperately coveted if we were to remain together. It was not to be. We ended our relationship and I set to dating again soon after.

I decided from that point forward I would not compromise on such a vital issue. I would have to find someone who could handle the not so PG parts of my soul and embrace it. I would not settle for an ordinary sex life when I felt that I was an extraordinary woman. I knew the passion and surrender I was capable of and I vowed I would have it again in my life.

Then I met him. And he set my world on fire. In a single meeting I picked up subtle clues, clues that only those practicing the lifestyle would take note of. Confident mannerisms that let me know he was more than capable of taking charge but also absolutely devoted to being a nurturer, protector and provider. I knew in the first few hours I spent with him that he would be “the one”.

I decided to test my theory. The first time we were intimate was incredible. He immediately took the lead, a quality that made my heart leap into my chest and my blood run wild with an insatiable desire. He felt it too. We were intimate four times in less than 12 hours. We couldn’t get enough of one another.

When he left he text me from his vehicle to say he was missing me already and wanted more. I felt exactly the same but was too afraid to verbalize it. We talked his entire ride home and then well into the night. I made another bold decision to just tell him up front exactly who I was. I was going to reveal my submissive soul.

I started slowly at first and sent him a picture after doing a search for bdsm quotes.

It said…

“Submission is a gift, dominance is an obligation, her trust, her respect, her life. Return to her love, dedication and honor, sacrifice for her, protect her from all harm, even yourself”

He sent me back two quotes that read…

” A submissive is an individual. She is completely free. What a dominant values most is that with that freedom of all the things she can do, she chooses to kneel before him and though you may kneel before me, you will never be below me”

And so it begins…

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