I can’t do it, today especially, I can’t always be the bigger person.
I want to believe that I am this karmic creature who can rise above petty human emotions but then I realize that if I ignore that part of myself I am denying part of the human experience.
So I didn’t rise above it. I dove right in and got terribly, shamefully dirty. I allowed jealousy and insecurity to wash over me and I embraced it like a long lost friend coming off the tarmac at a busy airport. I made a spectacle of it and of myself. When I heard the words play back that I used to express this repressed part of myself I felt cheapened, because I know that I am better. I know my vocabulary consists of more than expletives. I knew that I could have found a more productive way to verbalize what I was feeling…but not today. Today I embraced the primal me. The me that feels rage and sorrow and despair and frustration and the only thing escaping my lips is something guttural, a sickening sound…the sound your soul makes when it’s had enough.
Today, I basked in this sound and let it fill me until it spilled from my eyes. I made a choice to embrace this part of me too, this is the part that has come prepared to fight. This is the part of me that serves to remind that I am much more than conscious thought. My wounds run deep, my scars an ever present reminder that what’s just below the surface isn’t so pretty and although I try to rise above sometimes I need to just wallow in what lies beneath.
Sometimes, this part of my soul needs to mark my conscience thought with the scent of her fighting spirit. So today, that is exactly what I have done.