Ok…here goes everything.
Conversation with myself after making the decision to write. ..
(You want to get honest right? You want to connect to that inner part of you that censors everything, that puts pretty rose colored filters on to make YOUR truth easier for others to understand and digest? You want to live an honest life right? So let’s get honest.)
I am madly falling. My heart is a wide open, clean blank slate and I love making a mess of it. I am laughing longer and harder than I ever have. I am letting nights turn into mornings and I don’t miss an ounce of sleep. I am connecting, dialing myself into this new, beautiful energy that is feeding my soul. I am being nurtured for the very first time.
I can’t put it into words. I’ve stopped and started 15 rough drafts now. I am too happy to write. Who gets to say such things? I do. Now. Never before, but now I can say it. I can tell you that the head space I write from is usually very dark and cloudy and in moments when I am looking for the greatest moments of clarity or experiencing the depths of my pain. But right now, I can’t find that place. It is as elusive to me as happiness has been before.
I am so peaceful. My OCD rituals although still present seem quieter somehow. The other day I listened to a song 48 times instead of 50 and I was okay…nothing happened. My mind was still.
I find myself smiling inside. I have an entire inner dialogue of things I can’t wait to share with him. It’s mutual. For the first time in a looong time it’s MUTUAL. I’m not fighting for a place in his life, he is making SPACE in his life for me. We want to make drunk history together and publicly argue about Charmin toilet paper. We send each other bucket list pins and set dates for far in the future and even if this is only dreaming, only temporary… I have it now and I am happy.
Happy~ letting that word wash over me like foreign rain, standing beneath a brand new atmosphere, tongue out tasting the sky.