I spent years reading magazine articles, books, columns, blogs and posts about men. I was desperate to understand this mysterious creature who’s mannerisms, emotions and dreams were so vastly different from my own. I thought if I could figure them out, decipher their code that I would have a little more luck in my own ventures with the opposite sex. But then I just decided the easiest way to get to know them was to ask them…
This may come as quite a shock, but it’s not that difficult to get men to talk about themselves and what they want. I know. I know what you’re thinking…but Christie, how did you get these mystical creatures to open up and spill the secret desires of their hearts?
Well, I posted a teaser on my social media accounts and asked for participants willing to discuss something personal and waaa laaaa….the interviews began. I was very pleased with the number of responses and can say I managed to speak with men from all over the world. Men from the USA, Greece, Spain, Austria, Israel, Egypt and France were all willing to let me pry into their minds and answer a few simple questions.
I spoke with, emailed, text and Skyped approximately 50 men, perhaps a few more than that, some I didn’t really count and I will explain why later. The questions were straightforward and simple.
***What do you look for in a sexual partner? Characteristics, physicality and traits?***
To be honest, I was expecting to hear typical descriptions of a beautifully unobtainable, non-existent woman. To my surprise the men I questioned were very open, honest and down right sincere. I know. I know, I was just as surprised as you are.
The universal common denominator was connection. The men I spoke with said that above any physical characteristics they desired a connection. On some level a connection was paramount to them finding that person appealing. What? All this time I thought men wanted women to be the perfect combination of amble breasts, small waist, curvy hips..but not too curvy, long hair, thigh gap, full lips and well you get the idea…
But for the men I talked to, they were looking for something deeper. Don’t get me wrong, there were a select few that said crude disparaging remarks. I quickly wrote them off as a sub species of man that hadn’t quite made it into the evolutionary pool.
Men wanted strength, character, spontaneity, vulnerability, passion and intellectual stimulation. These qualities were listed over and over again…beauty and physical attributes came up later in the discussion. It made my heart soar and gave me hope for the human race. Time and time again the phrase “looks are secondary” was stated. Of course they want to be physically attracted to their partner but more than that, they wanted to be connected.
So then I delved deeper. Why was this connection so important? And why if it truly was were the men I saw around me constantly searching for the impossible? Was it possible that the media with it’s brilliant marketing strategy and ability to mind fuck the masses started to dictate what we thought we should be searching for?
When did I start believing I had to be a 5’10 Victoria Secret fashion model in order to achieve love? Where did this ideal originate from? Is the man that I’m with upset that I don’t roll out of bed looking like I belong on the cover of Vogue? Or is he just happy that we are waking up together and that I am making his coffee? Is he looking at me as I schlep across the room in my mix matched pajamas, hair piled on top of my head thinking to himself “ughhhhhhh”? Or is he content knowing I am about to make him breakfast after an amazing night of great sex?
I finally had affirmation that the later is true. Men are looking for the exact same thing we are…someone to get down and dirty in the trenches of life with… oh and a side of mind-blowing, judgement free, vulnerable, spontaneously raw sex.
Yes please… finally glad we’re on the same page.