I make no apologies for this life of mine, for the way I have chosen to live it, for the choices and consequences I reside in. I make no apologies for the indecision and the late nights. I make no apologies for the experiments gone wrong or the bed I made that I choose to lie in. I make no apologies for the messy canvas that is stained with my tangled mind.
This is who I am.
This intricate web of complicated, angry, happy, joyful, sad, lonely, grateful, overwhelmed, utterly loved, devoted soul. I am all of it. Every adjective and then some and I am OKAY with that. I make no apologies for the person that I am. NONE.
It is take me as I am or leave me as I was.
I am deserving of whatever I want and what I want right now is to hug a redwood tree in Washington beneath the raindrops. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while…I don’t know where the thought originated but it is inside me, burning and beckoning me to be there. To look upon something old and strong that started frail and small. To touch something that has been part of the earth and held stories for so long.
I got news yesterday that I am in need of another surgery for another tumor that has decided to call my body home for now. At first I was typical. I was “why me, why now?” but quickly remembered to turn the tide and say “who better than me?” to handle being life’s pawn. Who is better equipt to deal with this game than I am?
This trixie news is nothing new to me now. It will roll off like water because I will it so. And I will be angry, happy, joyful, sad, lonely, grateful, overwhelmed, utterly loved and devoted to this journey too. And I will make my way to that redwood tree before it is time to go.