Strength

I don’t always feel strong. In fact, more often than not, I feel defeated, exhausted, weak, and impatient. But when I look back on my journey and even my current situation I realize I am strong. In fact, I am a warrior, a champion, a rock, a force to be reckoned with. There have been times when my body was done, done with this life, riddled with illness/disease/injury and at times self inflicted pain but my mind pressed on. And there have been times when my mind was done, mush/depression/despair/grief and yet my body refused to let go of breath and blood.

So where are those embers that ignite my will to live? Where do they come from? How do they know when to kick into gear and fan the flames from within? Where does that inner strength lie? and why is it seemingly dormant until needed? Why so subconscious? Why can’t I call upon it when I feel myself waning?

I am not waning now but I need some strength. I am numb. I thought my days of being a carving board were over. I guess that was somewhat naive of me. I thought I had squelched my body’s ability to produce more and more abnormal cells. I guess I thought I had met my karmic quota for bullshit. I guess not.

I need some strength today.

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