“the Raw”

Click Click Click.

I am laying here thinking of every possible scenario while “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd  plays in my ear phones. He asked me what type of music I liked and although normally I would listen to dance or hip-hop I say “classic rock” because right now, in this moment… I am no mood to dance.

Click Click Click.

I keep my eyes closed because although I am not claustrophobic I do not wish to be reminded that I am here, in this tube, magnets swarming all around scrambling my already scrambled brain; looking for things that shouldn’t be contained here in this shell.

Click Click Click

Ask any survivor and they will tell you that any abnormality or suggestion of abnormality and thoughts race first to the worst case scenario. It’s easier to prepare this way. It’s not doom and gloom or even negative thinking… it’s preparation. Any good news is a wonderful surprise and any bad news can be met with a casual nod. Until the car ride home and then “the raw” appears.

Click Click Click

“The Raw”  is what I like to refer to as that place where your truest self is revealed, usually when you are alone. Survivors save the raw for themselves. We don’t wish to burden anyone with the truth of our anger, fear, injustice, rage, confusion and frustration. We save the grief we feel for ourselves…well, for ourselves. We don’t have to break it down into words, it’s just sound or lack of sound depending on the type of raw place you go.

My raw is usually very still and quiet. I don’t share it. It’s for me to deal with and contain. I’m usually only there for a very short time because the “why me?” is not really my thing…I still prefer the “who better than me?” to deal with these life mind fucks. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to visit this place. I am content being the one to carry this weight.

Click Click Click

I am suddenly aware that ‘Hotel California’ by the Eagles is playing and I am amused. It seems a fitting song and probably a little macabre, dramatic…but I like it. It’s making me smile and I am reminded that we are halfway through the procedure. I try to remember how many songs have played so I can estimate the amount of time that has gone by. I can’t recall, so I abandon this train of thought. Cant imagine the passing of time today makes that much of a difference anyway.

Click Click Click

I am waiting here in my mind.

Click Click Click

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