That’s the beauty and tragedy of being alone. No one notices when everything is falling apart.
I guess today is a darker day than most. I’m sure logically it is because I fear tomorrows outcome and I’m sick and I’m exhausted and I still have to face every single day with a smile on my face and go to work and pay my bills and be responsible when all I really want to do is take what’s in my bank account, get on a train and travel across the country and see what happens.
This would of course mean leaving behind everything and everyone I love, but I often wonder, would that really even matter?
And I know in my heart I’ll do the responsible thing because it is what I have always done…not out of fear but out of obligation. My work ethic and family ethic too great a bound to cut at this time in my life. Maybe soon, but not now.
There’s just so much…so much going on in my head, it’s so hard to find the quiet now, even though I spend almost every night alone and even when I am surrounded by the usual suspects I keep plastering that good time party girl on my face and man do I resent being her…I really do. I want to be grumpy and irritated and dejected and lost and not offer myself up on a silver platter to be used up emotionally. But I can’t say no…I’m trying to save the world one smile at a time. If I can’t save myself I might as well save someone else.
These are the ramblings of my mind…I don’t know what to do with them. I want to scream at the top of my lungs knowing it wont do any good…I’m angry that I don’t feel well. I am angry that the goals I was so proud to set and share I haven’t been able to keep not even for a day…because of how lousy I feel.
I’m angry that I even set goals to be upset about because I knew this was going to happen. I knew that I would set them and hate myself when I couldn’t meet them. ..and now all I want to do is punish myself for being weak. I hate my own weakness. These are the days I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. But even the earth won’t have me…
I re-read how laced with darkness this is and I can’t help it. I wish I could shut it off and be about butterflies and unicorns and shit, but that’s not happening, not today.