I knew the moment my heart stopped believing all the positivity I was feeding it. It was yesterday. It fell like a brick. The mortar hadn’t even finished drying. I wish I could say I was numb, but the pain flows like a river that I wish I could leave in razors in the bathtub, but I can’t and I won’t. But I wish.
I feel like if I could drain the pain from my heart it would help me get through this moment and the only way I feel to achieve that would be to leave my grief slipping down the septic system, because it seems an appropriate end and punctuates exactly how I feel. Septic. Toxic. A molecular nightmare. An emotional void deserving of no fanfare, just swallowed by the earth…but the earth won’t even have me…and that is my truth today.
I cleaned my house just in case, wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m a slob, although the past month that is exactly what I have become, in the confines of my home. Couldn’t even do the dishes, so I threw them out. Easier to discard the things around me than to piece them back together and put them in useful places. Even when I write I know how devoid of hope I sound. I know it and I write anyway. Part of me feels a sense of responsibility to others writing words so dark, but that’s what got me into this mess to begin with. My empathic nature wanting to save the world one troubled soul at a time, allowing those souls to take pieces of me along the way, until yesterday…when my soul realized, we were alone.
Not in common thought, not in the traditional since. I have family and friends. But alone in my head with my thoughts and my suffering. I learned yesterday my demons aren’t worth fighting for, that my humanity, what makes me imperfectly perfect was not as valid as another’s. My broken isn’t worth the investment to understand. I stare at this cursor and it’s truth and I pray for the understanding of those closest to me.
Sometimes the heart, the mind can only take so much before it realizes that hope is an illusion for those in denial…and I am no longer in denial. I am just passing through.