Rabbit Hole

I followed you down the rabbit hole, your hand in mine leading the way. You assured me you would keep my heart safe…and for a while, you did.

You were everything my imagination could have drummed up and more. It was as if you were unfolding all the pieces I held closest to my heart in an effort to know me in a way that no one had before.

And I blossomed under the shower of your attention and affection.

You see as boisterous as I am and as social as I appear, only a select few really know me. I save my truest self for the ones I have grown to trust and that circle is small. You quickly became one of those select few. I wouldn’t call it a gift or anything magical, but it is a rarity. Once I reveal my true character and unyielding devotion I find it very difficult to cease my loyalty.

And I was loyal to you.

I believed everything

and I believe you meant everything.

But something happened in our journey and somewhere along the way you dropped my hand and climbed out of that hole, leaving me to voyage on my own.

It was so abrupt that it took me weeks to get my bearings. I wasn’t even fully aware of the scale in which I had been left alone.

It was only after repeated attempts to locate you in the darkness that I realized I was forlorn.

And  I descended further, hoping you’d come back for me…that you didn’t mean to leave me behind. That perhaps you momentarily lost your way and would return to find me. That I would again feel your hand in mine.

So I waited patiently…and then not so patiently.

You see, I am a creature of adaptation. The only consistency I have ever known is change and loss…

so although initially shocked, I knew I would have to find my own way out.

No matter how many times I have been knocked down both figuratively and literally, I have always managed to pull myself to my feet and carry on despite the weight of the burdens on my soul.

My heart just doesn’t know how to stay down.

Believe me, there are times when I wish I could just give up and stop putting myself out there, only to be disappointed.

On days when I am doubled over on the floor of my bathroom, aching so much that the thought of breathing is painful and all I want to do is be swallowed up by the earth never to feel the agonizing sting of unrequited love…still my heart opens up… forever hopeful…

My heart just doesn’t know any other way.



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