Fear

I decided today just to embrace everything that I am afraid of. I can’t run any longer. I can’t avoid any longer. I can’t engage in behavior that pushes to the front of my mind the very things I am trying to forget. I simply have to face these things head on and stop giving them power.

Fear is brutal. It strips you of reason and logic. It magnifies emotions.

I’ve always been lead to believe there were only two responses to fear, flight or fight. No one ever says to simply embrace the fear you’re in and find a way to come to peace with it. No one ever says that you acknowledge the things that stir your core and not react.

I’ve spent a lot of time in fear. I didn’t realize it until recently. It is stifling me. It has been an ever present companion and it’s time for me to cut ties.

My biggest fear is that I am unlovable and forgettable. I know where this fear stems from and although I can logically assign it an origin and even dissect the inaccuracy of this thought, it still haunts me.

I fear that I am unlovable and forgettable.

And the truth is..perhaps I am unlovable. I know I am forgettable. We all are.

There is a quote in the movie “The Fault in Our Stars” that says

” There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that’s what everyone else does.”

So what am I getting so worked up about? Who am I to feel the need to be remembered or coveted?

I can allow my fear of being forgotten to conduct itself in a detrimental manner or I can simply embrace that this is my truth…this is my fear…and do absolutely nothing about it, because this world isn’t stopping for me…and it isn’t stopping for you…and in the grand scheme of things, I am not selfish enough to want the world or anyone else in it to spend a moment dwelling on the troubles of my mind.

The unlovable part is a little harder to accept because I know how much I love. I know how exceptional a gift it is to accept people as they are and perhaps because of my desire to be loved and accepted exactly as I am I find it easy and even necessary to do the same for others.

Loving is easy for me…it’s allowing myself to be loved that I find so challenging. It seems in those rare instances when I expose my vulnerability the outcome has never been favorable to me. Fear.

Fear of someone knowing the “real” me and being rejected…because this mind is a labyrinth of complexity. I am in a constant state of self awareness and analysis…fear drives that. I never understood that before…fear drives me to constantly evaluate things and strive to find logic and reason behind every action and reaction.

It is an illusion of control. I realized the more information I compiled the more likely I was to form a complex list of possible scenarios that I could mentally prepare for…so I wouldn’t be left shocked, confused and more honest than that…heartbroken.

I realized today that by constantly gathering information and assessing situations preparing for the inevitable disappointment I was sure to face, that I stopped living. 

Fear.

I wasn’t allowing a natural course of action. I was not leading the organic life I strive for. I was in a constant state of preparation.

It ends today. I am embracing my fear. I fear being unlovable and forgotten. I fear abandonment. I fear losing the people I love. I fear grief. I fear being heartbroken.

But this fear is not something I am going to run from and it’s not something I am going to fight.

I am not simply going to exist I am going to take back the power and start living.

 

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