Sub-human

I am trying to remain steady. I am trying to remain resolved…

I do not wish to allow my heart to turn bitter.

I am trying to put on a brave face and not speak too much because it is when I talk that my voice cracks and my true emotions bubble to the surface…only it’s not bubbling…

I feel it’s slender tendrils snaking through my veins and can no longer determine it’s origin. Is it my heart that has finally turned? Is it my thoughts that won’t allow me escape? Not yet. Not yet.

I’m profoundly sad…and yet I know this will not be my undoing. I know that I will survive yet another heartache.

I strive to project gratitude even though my cheeks are stained with tears and the the lump in my throat is suppressing.

I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.

But my god does it hurt. It feels like the things that hold me together are bursting at the seams, stretching and tearing from the inside out or maybe it’s from the outside in. Who can tell anymore?

I want to scream. I want to tear and claw my way out of this heartache. I want to leave my shell in shards on the floor and morph into something sub-human because that is how I truly feel right now.

Sub-human.

And please… I know my value. I know my worth and it is not dependent on any other human being… but for all my knowledge, the pain I feel demands to be recognized, demands to be felt…and I feel it.

I feel it taunting me to take action and build walls and save myself from the future. And I know I won’t, because I am grateful. I am grateful for all of these experiences and all of these broken pieces.

My heart is a beautiful mosaic of suffering.

And I will not succumb to something I am not.

I am a wide open vessel of unconditional love and acceptance and this world will not strip me of that.  No matter how many times I may break.

 

 

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