Funny thing about time, everyone says “time heals all wounds”. I don’t believe that to be true at all. I don’t believe you ever truly heal from wounds of the heart. I believe you learn new ways to cope and better ways to express your pain.
I used to be a very angry, very bitter soul. I felt the injustice of my childhood. I felt the oppression of my first marriage. I felt the prejudice of being a single woman who was sexually liberated. I felt the violation of my body to cancer. I felt outrage after I was struck and almost killed by my boyfriend’s truck. I felt the inequality of working and holding the equivalent of 3 positions and only being paid for 1. I felt infringed upon by so called friends who used me to have a good time. I felt the biting sting of the rejection of the man I was in love with. I felt it all and I was resentful, but over time something happened.
I gave up on anger.
A more accurate statement is that I gave up anger.
Anger is one of those primitive emotions that surfaces organically when you don’t have the time or wherewithal to process where it is coming from. Anger comes from disappointment, confusion, fear, expectation, jealousy… among many other emotions.
I gave it up. I realized somewhere along the way that the root of my anger was expectation. I expected everyone to love as I loved, to give as I gave, to bleed as I bled. I couldn’t wrap my head around words not matching actions or promises left unfulfilled. And every time I was faced with the realization that people lie, people let us down, people don’t necessarily do what they say they are going to do…and most confusing to me and perhaps the thing I still struggle to accept, is that not everyone feels what they say they feel…I realized my expectation was key to my emotional management.
It seems like a colossal waste of time to go through the motions and not have the feelings to accompany, but more often than not people will tell you what you want to hear because they are too afraid to be honest. Honesty, true honesty comes with experience, respect and maturity; qualities not everyone is equipped with.
I hoped to evolve past feelings of anger by letting go of expectation.
And I’m still trying. I’m not perfect, but I have noticed over the last few years that the LAST thing I feel or identify with is anger. I can now express that what I feel stems from greater expectations of myself and others.
It occurred to me today driving to work as most things do that I haven’t been angry in a really long time. I used to be filled with anger. I would go so far as to say I was filled with pure, unadulterated rage. And somewhere along this road, among all these feelings and memories I have poured out, shared and dissected, the anger just seemed to melt away.
I realized I could use my “big-girl” words to express the things that were behind the reaction. And that’s exactly what it was…a reaction, to life, to people, to circumstances. I spent so much time reacting to a level of expectation that it filled me and fueled me and drove me mad.
Those who have remained through my evolutionary process are the people that are supposed to be here. The steadfast, the beauty, the foundation on which I have planted my roots and they allow me to extend my branches as high as I am willing to take myself and ground me to the core of who I am.
I am not angry at my life anymore. I am not angry at the people who have hurt me or wronged me. I am not angry at my choices. I am not angry about anything.
It’s a relief to lay my head at night and not think about my past and it’s a wonderful feeling to wake up and see where the wind will blow me for the day. I have a freedom I have never known…peace.
Time hasn’t healed my wounds. It hasn’t made me hurt any less than the very first time I felt whatever it was. Time has simply allowed me to adapt, to evolve. My very survival depended on time.
Quite the paradox, no?