The ache in my heart is with me constantly. It has become so consistent that it is as much a part of me as the color of my eyes or the tattoos that are etched into my skin. There is not a day that goes by that I am not aware of how profoundly I am affected and no matter how hard I try to barrel through the pain, it is with me, because you are not.
Make no mistake, I am living for the time being. I continue to do the things that make me happy. I am participating in my life with as much energy and enthusiasm as I did before, but the view has changed. The joy isn’t as joyous. The smile isn’t as wide and happiness doesn’t come as easily as it did before.
I don’t understand the on/off of your heart. Mine never came with a switch. Once it was on it remained that way and although not in use, it remains on, open, hopeful.
I know I shouldn’t revisit your words. I know I should delete your pictures, but I also know as sure as I am sitting here, it would do no good. Your image, your testament is burned into my brain. When I close my eyes, you are there. When I drift to sleep, which is rare, you visit my dreams. When I try to forget all the things you said that made me feel finally a part of the thing I have always wanted it rips into my being and threatens to tear me from the inside out.
The darkness accompanies those moments. Those are the times when I can’t breathe and to be frank, I don’t want to. It’s in those moments, when I hear a song, or come across a quote you once sent me that I am racked with an unbearable ache in my heart and disappointment settles in and finally sorrow.
This happens daily. I never know when it will strike or what will trigger it, but it haunts me. There are days when I almost make it through the day without breaking down. Days when I am not acutely aware of how much I miss you and miss what we had and then IT happens, a single memory will trigger a waterfall of memories and they rush in front of me and I am powerless to stop them.
Truth be told, I don’t want to stop them. I was happy then.
There is an ache in my heart, a pain that is now forever a part of me, because you are not.