Open letter to the man with depression, part 2.

When I realized that I didn’t mean to you what I thought I did it shook me to my core. I built our relationship and my love for you based on your words and in the beginning, your actions. But somewhere on our journey, you just stopped. And I knew it, long before I accepted it. And I held on. I held so tight, because I fell so hard.

I loved everything, even the difficult things. And to be honest, I had to ask myself some serious questions when we started.

Did I want to be with someone who was facing the challenges you were facing?

Could I be strong enough to carry your weight when things would get tough?

Did I want to embrace playing a nurturing figure to tiny humans when my own had already left the nest?

Could I give them enough of my time, attention and love knowing they had lost their own mother at such an early age?

Would I be prepared to adjust my entire way of living and being?

All the answers were yes. Yes.

Yes.

And so I did what I always do. I gave and gave and gave until you had taken all that you were willing to take.

You let me sit on the floor of your home and braid your daughters hair. You let me tuck them in at night and help them get ready for school. On weekends, you happily slept in while I got up early with them and made you breakfast in bed. You let me clean for you. You let me do your laundry. You let me purchase birthday gifts and Halloween decorations and Christmas gifts.

You sent me pictures and videos of not just you, but of them. You listened as your daughter would outstretch her hands to me and ask me to hold her and at times call me “mamma” which ripped my insides to shreds.

You watched and took pictures of us as we would snuggle on the couch together watching cartoons. You let me take them to the park and you took me to see the things you picked out for them from Santa.

We exchanged house keys and kept things in one another’s homes. I made sure your girls always had what they needed when you would come to stay with me.

You allowed me to become so engrossed with your life, that I believed we had a future, because who does that so casually?

Well, the answer to that is you.

You did that so casually.

You let me be everything to you and to them and when you decided that you were done, I never saw or heard from you or them again.

It has been the one and only thing in my life I have been unable to reconcile. Because YOU put me in a position to hurt someone else, you put me in a position to hurt your children even though I had no control and no choice in the matter.

I often wonder what you’ve told them? Where did you say I have gone?

The last thing I ever wanted to do was be another maternal figure that disappeared from their lives, that’s why I took such care when we started. But it didn’t matter, all the care, concern and apprehension that I had didn’t matter.

And not a day has gone by since you so callously dismissed me that I don’t wonder how they are and how you are. Not a single day that their names don’t come into my mind. I have no peace. You put me in a position to hurt an innocent being and it wasn’t even my doing and my heart aches.

I didn’t know you were so selfish. I must have ignored the signs. Because  when I look back at how happy I was, how happy I thought WE were, I can’t figure it out.

I knew you were grieving and I never denied you your feelings. I never denied the pain in your heart and if anything I encouraged you to seek and get all the help you could. So I wasn’t oblivious and I wasn’t in denial, I was blindsided by your greed.

And that’s what it boils down to doesn’t it? I’ve read many, many books, posts, blogs, articles and pamphlets on grief and how greed is a common theme. But I thought the connection we had set us up to be on the success side of that equation and that’s because I answered YES to all the possible scenarios and possibilities of our situation.

And you answered with selfishness and greed. You took all that I was willing to give, which was in fact, everything I had in me and you allowed me to play house for you while satisfying your needs and when things began to feel real and when the support system you had in place judged you and voiced their disapproval at YOUR happiness…you decided to forego anything we discussed and all the words we spoke and all the late night turned morning discussions and you decided that we no longer mattered and that we were no longer a we.

You didn’t just take your heart from me, you took three.

I have chosen to forgive you for an apology that will never come and I have chosen to move past you because I am no longer enchanted by the illusion you spun, but I can not forget that you used my heart to hurt another and that is the haunt I cannot overcome.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s