You know, I have moments when I am doing really well. The pain in my heart is less on those days and I try to take a mental inventory of why I am doing okay or how I am managing to make it through those moments without crumbling into an emotion abyss.
The only thing I can come up with is that on those days I am taking each breath, each moment as a step forward. I am learning in those moments that I am still breathing, still moving, gaining a steady momentum, a new direction.
A direction without him.
On most days the compass in my heart is spinning wildly. It’s as if he was my due north and without him I am wandering, lost in this forest of what if’s? and what could have’s? an aimless, endless list of questions that lead to nowhere.
I am trying to take one day at a time, one breath at a time. I became addicted to the way I felt when I was with him. With him I felt beautiful and sexy and vibrant.
I saw the world in technicolor.
And I just now realized that with him it wasn’t that I wasn’t those things without him, it was that I allowed myself to shine. I allowed myself to believe that I deserved to feel all of those things. I believed my own hype for the first time in my life. My insecurities melted away and I shamelessly embraced all things positive and all things meant for me.
Because of him I had a sense of purpose. My purpose was to love him, to help him rebuild, to pick up his pieces because mine were all not so neatly put together, but somehow felt reinforced because of him.
And that’s why when it was over I felt so lost. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I didn’t know what to do with this new found sense of self. I felt directionless and to be blunt…it felt like shit.
I craved the happiness that I thought he gave me. I craved the strong, sensual women I granted myself permission to be. I lusted for that powerful female energy and I coveted that sense of belonging to someone.
I held him sacred in my heart.
I’ve had to approach this loss two-fold. I’ve started allowing myself permission to grieve. I am grieving and it is not an easy thing to admit. I am grieving a life I saw for myself with a person I was madly in love with.
I am grieving the person I was when I was with him and learning to accept yet another evolution of my soul. It is a process and one I am not entirely comfortable with. I wonder who I will be on the other side of this journey.
I am also admitting that I am powerless over this feeling. It is what it is. I have tried every method I can think of to quell these feelings and stop this ache in my heart. I have used alcohol, I have used men. I have used friends and family as a distraction. I have thrown myself into writing and creating and I have even resorted to old ways of coping, anorexia/bulimia/excessive exercise/diet pills…you name it, I’ve done it.
I am not proud of these things, but it is what it is. I am human. I have faltered trying to navigate my way without my due north.
So now I am setting my compass to my own internal direction and I am trying to find all of those things I loved about myself without him. And I am getting there. I am headed due ME.
I am determined to find my way.
I will see the world in technicolor again.
I am looking inward for direction and I am taking it one step at a time. One breath at a time.