The Storm.

Living with an open heart is one hell of a struggle.

I am trying desperately to remain optimistic and to let go of expectation and to live without building walls around my heart so that I can experience all that this life has to offer.

I don’t want to be bitter or closed off. I don’t want to punish future people for the mistakes of others. I don’t want to become cold and biting, angry and distant.

I want to remain present in each moment. I don’t want to obsess over the future and I want to give it all over to the universe and accept whatever comes my way.

But damn is it a struggle.

The urge I have now is to wall off, curl into a ball and seclude myself from everything, to shut down and stop leaving myself an open, vulnerable target.

I am hurting…I can’t seem to escape the pain. There is no distance great enough to take me away from the thoughts that plague me.

I want to be held and nurtured. I want solace and comfort. I want someone to make me tea and sit with me in silence while I let the tears wash over my face in an attempt to make room for more positive emotions.

I want to be understood. I want someone to climb inside my mind and close all the open doors knowing full well that they can’t really do anything to stop my thoughts, but that they’ve tried.

I want soft kisses on the top of my head and a strong, warm hand to hold.

I want this storm to pass.

I want this storm to pass.

I want this storm that rages to move onto another part of my world.

One that is manageable and not so violent.

I wonder if I will ever feel normal.

I wonder what normal is.

I wonder if I will ever feel like I have my “emotional” shit together. I wonder if I will ever manage to string together more than a few hours at a time when I don’t feel tortured. I wonder when my soul will be still and quiet. I wonder how these feelings took such hold of me?

when did that seed get planted?

and how far do those roots grow?

I wonder if there will ever be a day when my heart will close over, fill in the gap, seal up that space that remains hollow.

I wonder if I am the only one who wraps hope around the broken pieces.

I wonder when this pain, when this ache, when this constant state of hypersensitivity will leave me. I wonder if I will recover from this madness or if this will be the thing that finally breaks me.

I want this storm to pass…

…but I am the storm.

 

 

4 thoughts on “The Storm.

  1. …and creating while you are going through it too! Thanks for sharing this real piece with us. My prayers are with you, I too have been in a similar storm….so I know for sure when I say this thay you come out of this storm, you will be stronger! ❤

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