I know how you feel.
Disoriented, wandering aimless, spinning in circles looking for that piece of yourself that you lost along the way. Wondering if there’s anything left of who you are in this shell.
Uncertain. Misguided. Afraid that there will be no reprieve from this ache in your heart.
Afraid to admit truths to yourself and more afraid to admit truth to the world.
I have been to that place, at times I bring myself back to that place…but only for brief moments, only for reflection.
The truth is, you are not lost. You are not uncertain. You are not misguided.
The universe has worked to put you exactly where you are at all times, so that you may learn the lessons that will take you on to the next phase of your life.
If you are breathing, you are certain.
The illusions that work to our fault are expectation and control. Our expectations are what set us up for disappointments and failures. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we get very lucky and things seem to work out exactly as we expected them too, but how often does that actually happen? How often do things go off without a hitch?
And the biggest illusion is control.
What a deceptive little bitch.
The idea that we have control over anything but ourselves is the biggest set-up of all. You’ve experienced the reality of this throughout your life, probably more times than you can count, yet you still think it matters.
You still think you can govern this life…
Life shifts and changes in an instant, sometimes bringing unimaginable heartache and loss, and sometimes bringing our greatest joys and triumphs.
I know for me I have had moments of such euphoria that I couldn’t imagine anything taking that feeling a way, moments when the completeness of my heart was felt for the first time and my purpose on this planet mapped out for me with such clarity that I could safely let my walls crumple down around me… gullible…high on expectation.
I have been naive enough to think that the weight of my walls wouldn’t crush me when they fell.
And I have had those moments of happiness stripped from my heart with such voracity that I was left empty and crushed into bones and skin on my bathroom floor, praying for the earth to open and and swallow away my pain.
The pendulum always swings.
As long as we are breathing, we are certain.
I can honestly say that when I have been at my absolute lowest, when my thoughts took over all rationalization, when I stared down the empty glass bottom of two handles of alcohol and had gathered all the pills in my house and made the decision that this life, this pendulum swing was too wide for me ride out, some little flicker, some thing that was certain held on and didn’t let me fade into the night.
I am breathing, therefor I am certain. I am established without a doubt on this earth, in this world, in this moment and all moments before this and all moments that I continue to breathe after this. I am certain and that is all any of us can know.
This life we’re given is nothing personal, it’s not out to harm or defeat us. It’s not malice or ill will. It just is. That’s it.
It is certain as long as we breathe and it is up to us to treat each moment like both the first and the last.
My goal, my motto has always been
“to see with fresh eyes everyone we encounter so as not to brace ourselves for what hasn’t happened”
(excerpt from my brave valiant heart~poem)
Stay strong my friend, you know who you are.