I don’t even know where to begin. Guess I’ll just dive right in.
The man that I wrote about in: open letter to the man with depression part 1. & 2. came back into my life unexpectedly.
Now here is where I will probably lose a few of you. I am a believer in signs. I listen to the Universe, call it God, Buddha, Allah, call it whatever you want, but I believe that signs are put out there for us to follow or to at least let us know we are on the right path…or the wrong one.
So every single day since I last heard from him I have prayed, wished on 11:11, wished at 3:33, wished on shooting stars, blown dandelions into the wind, meditated and put out into the universe that I wanted to hear from him again….and I finally did.
To say that I was shaken to my core when this happened would be an understatement, my knees buckled, my heart raced, my palms began to sweat and tears came to my eyes before I even had an opportunity to process them.
To have prayers answered…my gratitude was overwhelming. It brought me to my knees. I didn’t know what to expect from this re-engagement from this man that I have loved since I opened my front door and lay eyes on him. I didn’t know to what extent we would be interacting, but he initiated the email and then the texting and then finally asked to see me.
I couldn’t believe I was going to be in the presence of this man again. I felt raw, exposed, vulnerable and hesitant. What would I say? What would we discuss? What did it all mean? Did he miss me too? Did he still love me? Was he sorry? Had he meant to hurt me so abruptly when he left last time with no warning?
So many mixed thoughts as I drove to meet him again. But I couldn’t NOT go. I knew I would probably be opening myself up for a world of pain again, but I felt compelled and I always do what I am compelled to do, even to my detriment.
When I walked through the door it was effortless. We interacted like we always had, lighthearted and full of sarcasm. We made jokes, teased one another, spent time in each other’s company but never once discussed what happened between us. I know my motivation was that I was terrified of scaring him off…I was fearful to do what I really wanted to do…
I wanted to look at him and say “Why?….why did you hurt me like that? Why did you walk away from us? Why did you let it all go to shit? Why couldn’t you let me in? Why did you ghost? You ripped my heart out…I can’t go through that ever again.”
Instead, I sat and smiled and made small talk and when I got ready to leave, he asked me to stay and then he asked me to spoon with him and my heart melted and was no longer beating steady in my chest, but became his again, in that instant. Because all I ever wanted was him. All of him…I LIKED the stripped down version of this man. I embraced his imperfections and his crazy.
He was well aware that I was still in love with him because I am honest like that. I wear my honesty like armor. Truth is what delivers me, liberates me, makes me feel strong. So when he asked me to stay and to lay with him I was smitten and any carefully constructed walls came tumbling down and rested as rubble at our entwined feet.
We were intimate the next morning…it was too easy. Effortless. My hands found him and his found me and it felt like home. I left the next morning and our banter continued. I asked if he regretted it and he answered “no”.
I didn’t either. We have always had a connection and our intimacy only solidified that for me. But things were left unsaid and I felt as though I was walking through a mine field. If I said something like “hey, I have a question” He would answer “ok, but you may not get an answer”
Essentially shutting down any REAL communication. The only thing he would clarify for me was that he was not ready for anything serious, a blanket statement. I know what that means in the context of people who just meet and start dating, but what did that mean for us? We had history. We had love. Did this mean we were moving slowly towards what we once had or that we would never be anything more than what we were? and what exactly were we?
to be continued….(as writing this chapter of my life has proven to be the most difficult as it is ongoing and my heart has once again been ripped from my chest)