So instead of writing all the sorted details of the last month since reconnecting with what was the love of my life, I figured I would be brutally, heart breakingly, soul baring and share the letter I wrote to him.
The following is the last letter I have written, the necessary goodbye to part of my heart and soul….
What do you say when you realize that you are writing to the love of your life for the last time? What words could possibly do justice to the feelings of my heart or the screaming defiance of my soul?
Is there anything I could possibly say, any cleverly strung together words that would put everything back in its proper place?
I’ve got a liquid amber sky streaming through my window and your song playing in the background and I am filled with memories of you and want this letter to perfectly convey all of the complexities of my mind. I know that I will fail miserably and I know also that these words will be read by a closed mind.
I feel a sense of desperation and my calm exterior is a lie. My thoughts race through my veins, bringing frustration and anger, a sensory overload, a feeding frenzy on my feelings of self worth.
All I hear repeated over and over again to myself is “you failed, you failed, you failed”
I was so afraid of losing you again that I made myself crazy with self doubt. I was afraid to let things unfold naturally because I didn’t want you to slip through my fingers again. So I held tighter than before…and forced you to spill from my clenched fist.
I don’t take all the blame though, the conversation we should have had never happened and you made sure to shut me down any time I tried to broach the subject. When I lay there in your bed again staring into those dark ocean eyes of yours I should have insisted we discuss it. But you looked at me in such a way that I believed there would be plenty of time to work out the details.
I had no way to know it would end sooner than it began…no way to know that you had no tolerance for my feelings or emotions and the very nature of who I am …a living, breathing dose of reality that sometimes can be biting and overzealous.
I still contend that my absolute sheer excitement and joy of having you back in my life was an emotional overdose that I was unequipped to deal with without a little bumpiness on that road back to you.
I love you. It is as simple as that and as complicated.
I love you and have felt myself drawn to you in ways I can not explain, from our unexpected matching, to the moment I opened my front door, to our late night turned early morning conversations, to watching you sleep and thanking god for every moment I got to spend in your presence, to praying every day to someone I thought I had lost faith in for your return …
I have never once wanted to hurt you…in any way, just as I believe your true intent was never to hurt me…but life happens and people miscommunicate and disagree and have misunderstandings…it’s just the nature of being different people with different ideals.
You ARE my person. You ARE the love of my life, You ARE someone I will never be able to banish from my heart because part of who I am resides there with you.
You sent my life, my passion, my work, my being into an entirely different direction and for that I will be forever in your debt. Meeting ____and ______ had the biggest impact on my heart and on who I thought and identified myself to be.
I don’t believe that you truly want me out of your life but I will respect your words now.
I would love to tell you I will never look back, but how can I not when those were the happiest times I can ever remember having? That for the briefest period in this life of mine…I truly felt loved, cared for, nurtured, understood and that was the first time in my life. I didn’t know how to act…when you come from a life of abuse and abandonment it’s hard to believe anyone could see you and love you, let alone want you in their life.
We all have our demons. I thought ours got along perfectly until your guilt and grief caught up with you. I was like a child at a playground waiting for her best friend to come back outside and play…for those months you were the best friend and lover that I dreamt of…you were everything in one completely imperfect package and I loved you at your core…I still do and you will never NOT occupy that place in my heart, in my soul…
You say there’s no hope…but I live on hope, my optimism is probably a great detriment but nonetheless, it is how I have survived this mess of a life. Sometimes, more often than not, hope was all I had.
I have never stopped believing in fairy tales or happy endings, because you see, I wished on shooting stars for you and you appeared. You were the answer to the wishes I made and I will never stop believing in you.
I am sorry that you suffer. I am sorry still for the loss of your beautiful wife and I have said before and I will say again that if I could trade places with her so that you and the girls could have her back in your lives and your lives restored to what they were, I would do it in a heartbeat. That is not a statement for dramatic effect, that is a switch I could easily make, because I truly love you and them so much, to see you happy.. let’s just say it would be an easy sacrifice.
And as for my dreams, I was NEVER claiming to say what ______would want…I was only telling you what I was experiencing and I DO believe she lead me to you and you to me. There are far too many things to discount, at least in my eyes.
Even writing this…I don’t believe our story is over. But if it is I will have to learn to live without the largest part of my heart and my soul will feel an emptiness that no matter how hard I try will never be filled.
I spent four months trying to forget you and move on with my life and it never happened, not even for a day. There was not a single day that I didn’t break down and cry over the loss of you and the girls…not a single day. Perhaps I am fragile or that’s looked at as a sign of weakness, but I look at it as a testament to the will of my heart not to be content with fakes or imitations, with a lesser love than what I felt. My heart recognized something in you that was irreplaceable…
I love my big, stupid heart…it has made a mess of things, but it has loved with a greater understanding and a greater depth than I ever knew existed in this shell I occupy…so I guess I am grateful for that.
Maybe one day sooner than later, you will truly miss me, miss the way I string together words, miss the way I look at you like you are the only air I want to breathe, miss the way that my hands would trace your skin so that I could learn every curve, miss the way my lips would touch and taste every part of you, miss the way it felt to look into my eyes, and recognize something dark and beautiful in my darkness…and my light. Maybe one day you’ll remember my laughter, you’ll remember how big of a dork I can be, you’ll remember that you were my first and last thought of every day and that all I ever wanted was to see a genuine smile on your exquisite face and maybe you’ll think about my spock ear and my crocked front tooth and the color of my eyes and you’ll think to yourself…she. loved.me.
And maybe one day sooner than later that will be…everything you need to find your way back to me.
I love you. It’s a simple and complicated as that.