It’s as if I am constantly running analytic software in the back of my mind. An ever present checks and balances system constantly redirecting me, adding and removing content and thoughts… hoping to get the most updated, refined version of my emotions.
If only I came with a little filter or and on/off switch where I could simply exist and stop looking forward or backwards.
I had an epiphany if you will, a moment of utter truth and it helped me to let go of the love I was holding on to. Not easily mind you, not without tears, regret, hurt feelings…but I took it to the ocean and I let it go in a sea of tears that blended seamlessly with the water at my feet. And perhaps that’s why I have spent so much time at the ocean’s edge as of late.
I have spent the last few weeks in the presence of some of nature’s most amazing creatures and they are healing me. I have watched dolphins, sharks, sand dollars by the hundreds and yesterday a beautiful manatee within 10 feet of me cruising by, running along the shore of the beach.
There is something about walking at the shore, lost in thought, feeling the sun on your face and the mist of the waves at your feet that makes time irrelevant.
It’s mother nature, holding you in greatness and allowing you brief moments of reprieve and also moments of great nurturing. At the ocean I feel held there by something greater than myself and I am able to breathe it in…and feel however I feel, free of judgment…free.
With each step I take, every time I feel my feet sink into the sand, toes gripping a shore that is constantly shifting underneath me, I am aware that I am still moving forward, propelling myself in a direction that is neither running from what’s behind me or looking for any particular destination in front of me.
I am merely…me.
Everything drops away, labels, expectations…nothing is greater than the feeling of just how small a piece of the puzzle you are when staring out at an endless horizon. I often wonder if there is someone standing parallel to me on the other side of the world, waiting for the universe to answer their tough questions.
Because don’t we all want the answers to the tough questions? Some one, some thing to reassure us that we are walking the path that we are meant to be. Don’t we all want to know that we matter? That we are not here to exist, but to LIVE? That the mistakes we make, the wrong loves we choose, the careers that get in the way, the children that we raise, the lives we touch…that it matters…in some way.
God I miss having someone sweep the hair from my face. I miss having someone tell me that everything is going to be okay. I miss having a flesh and blood human hand to hold or someone to prop up my feet on after a long day. I miss warm breath on the back of my neck as I drift off to sleep.
I miss having someone look at me like I matter…like I matter…like I matter.
Looks like I am off to the beach.